[January 1, 0000]
Joseph: wtf just happened to the calendar?
Mary: so weird
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Never get drunk with someone who has rented a chainsaw or a wood chipper.
I built a tricycle pram tonight
*adds bike mechanic to the resume*
[storming out of the bedroom in a novelty banana costume] YOU’RE THE ONE THAT SAID THINGS WERE GETTING TOO PREDICTABLE KAREN…
Does anyone want a $100 bill? Because I’m giving away $100 bills!
Here, you can have my $100 phone bill… and my $100 grocery bill…. and my $100 insurance bill!
The way my kids use toothpaste they’ll never have a cavity in their bathroom sink
4 completely accepts that Santa Clause is real, but his mouth drops every time I remind him that his Grandma is my mom.
Badminton implies the existence of Goodminton and Alrightminton.
Sliced my finger open with an apple corer. See? This wouldn’t happen if I was eating cake.
Be nice to people on your way up so they won’t get suspicious when you’re rich and you invite them to your island to hunt them for sport.
I think I want to be a ballerina. Or a fire dancer. Or I want to set a ballerina on fire. I don’t know. I’m still working it out.
I just told my wife it took her longer to pick a Netflix movie than it took me to pick out her engagement ring and that was a bad analogy.
Any house is an Airbnb if you’re quiet enough
My cat thinks any questions I ask him are rhetorical.
I’ve always wanted to rewrite history but couldn’t decide on the font..
Got banned from another museum for trying to jump into the paintings.
so, what you’re saying is, if i don’t eat an apple a day, i’ll meet a doctor?
… sounds better than tinder
Westjet tells you to show up 2 hours early, which usually means you’ll be arriving at the airport 8 hours before your flight leaves.
Put all your neighbors names on your Halloween tombstones in your front yard and wink when you’re outside and they walk by.
The group of water bottles in my room when I bring in another one
[comes home from store]
Wife: [shaking her head] Let me guess… earmuffs were on sale?
Me: [wearing 17 pairs of earmuffs] WHAT?
I make all my clothing choices based on what I would look like if I’m unexpectedly asked to bounce on a trampoline at some point in the day.
Now that people ignore word meanings and say they haven’t done/seen/whatever something “in a minute” when they actually mean anything from a week to thirty years, I’m going to take that concept in the other direction and describe small time periods as “several millenia.”
nobody:
TV writers: first of all, nobody can explain anything quickly or clearly to avoid a misunderstanding
That cute little run women do when they’re wearing heels and dresses remind me of that time I almost pooped my pants
The moral of Pinocchio is that lying is only bad if it’s really obvious.
Costumes are wasted on halloween. I wanna sit down for Christmas dinner dressed like a giant bug.
My special superpower is seeing patterns. Grandma thinks it’s a bullshit superpower, her knitting room is full of them
Whenever I have a panic attack, I put a brown paper bag over my mouth…and drink all the vodka inside.
It seems to help
*Speeding*
Cop: Know why I pulled you over?
Me: My singing?
Cop:
Me: My smile?
Cop:
*From the back of cop car*: My dance moves?
*brings a full menstrual cup to a bank robbery