6 was jealous about other kids getting notes in their lunches, so I put one in his:
“Sorry, I ate your pudding. Love, Dad.”
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zordon: YOU ARE MY POWER RANGERS
9th graders: whoa!
zordon: HERE ARE THE KEYS TO THE MEGAZORD
9th graders: but we don’t even have our driver’s licens–
zordon: GO GO POWER RANGERS
Hitting it from behind is just how I drive
Sorry I faked my death during the middle of your boring story.
7 years ago to this day, I swallowed my gum and broke a mirror, so as you might imagine, this is a pretty big day for me.
If anyone needs like five things 25% done and no things 100% done, just let me know.
Friend: Sorry I’ve been so busy! I got my master’s in genetic engineering, singlehandedly solved a murder, invented time travel, discovered a new Pi number, climbed Mt. Everest and taught myself to read Sumerian. What have you been up to???
Me: I’ve been super into cereal lately
NFT’s are played out. For the rest of 2022 we’re buying real monkeys, straight cash
When people ask me why I’m wheelchair bound, it sounds like a prison sentence. I want to say “I forgot to return a library book.”
Boxing and fencing
Two sports that have nothing to do with boxes or fences
[doing a crossword]
friend: what’s a 9 letter word for phony
me: baby horse
friend: no like fake
me: unicorn jr
The Rock is always beating people up in movies & yet no one has thought to throw a ream of paper at him
[a Swarm of Bees requests to be your friend] um ok
[a Swarm of Bees has invited you to event “Come Outside”] what tha
Yeah, I use She pronouns.
But not like a girl, like a boat.
ex-girlfriend: why are you here? don’t you have any other place to be?
me pretty sure I left my day planner in her apartment: that’s what I wanna know
Visitor squirming: what am I sitting on?
Me: I forgot to get meat out to thaw for supper
ME: Got here as fast as I could! I have the anecdote!
HIM [dying of snakebite]: Please say you mean antidote
ME: Funny story! This one time—
so no-one told you life was gonna be this way *gunshot* *gunshot* *gunshot* *gunshot*
Started trying to hand out tiny umbrellas to neighborhood squirrels to help them beat the heat. So far, it’s a much bigger challenge than I thought.
You can tell Charles Manson really loves his fiancée by the way he hasn’t murdered her.
Good cop: u want a drink?
Good cop 2: I love your shirt
Good cop 3: ur so ripped dude
Good cop 4: the bad cops are striking today, handsome
[coming in second] Meh, I never cared about winning in the first place.
*looks at crushed dead raccoon on the side of the road* i’m thinking Arby’s™
Strangers get so paranoid when they catch you stirring a mysterious powder into their drink.
And now we wait
Either I put a bit of weight on during the pandemic or a meteor hit my memory foam mattress last night.
What the fire inspector sees when he opens my office closet.
her: have i been a bad girl?
me: *not great at dirty talk* yeah you’re a terrible person.
No one makes eye contact in a restroom after being “loud” in a stall.
Women because they’re embarrassed
Men because they’ll start laughing
Me: I’m so tired.
Phone: Put me down and go to sleep.
Me and Phone: HAHAHAHAHA!
For my niece’s 7th birthday, I’m filling a pinata with a smaller pinata. When she breaks it open I’m gonna yell “Oh God! She was pregnant!”