[shady nighttime meeting at the aquarium]
AQUARIUM EMPLOYEE: eels are already pretty slippery man
ME: shut up and help me butter them
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the cvs cashier asked me how im doing as i put some diarrhea medicine on the counter. “not great man ive got diarrhea” i told him
I’m like Pac-Man because I travel in the dark to Dippin’ Dots stands to eat them, all while getting chased by members of the Ku Klux Klan.
Press 1 for English
Press 2 For SpanishPress 1 or 2 for Indian
Just banged my head but unfortunately it didn’t knock any more sense into it.
nurse: name?
me: david
nurse: age?
me: 35
nurse: sex?
me: almost once
I’d like to have a child one day. Two days, tops.
My 2yo loves to put hats on people, but you never know if it’s going to be an actual hat, a slice of cheese, an empty bowl, or his toy shopping cart.
Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles 7
They go after the guy who has killed 1000s of turtles
The Ninja Turtles corner him
Mario jumps on them all
70% of the Earth’s surface is oceans. The rest is split between car dealerships and a Costco parking lots.
I’m so glad we have a house full of toys for me to trip over so my child can run around happily clutching an old dvd
The only thing I care about is credits where it says the dog is playing themself
My dog takes great offense to the fact that we have neighbors
I am grateful for the canned, boxed, frozen dinners my parents provided. BUT my favorite thing about having worked in kitchens for years and having the time and ability to cook great, from-scratch meals for my children is when they say, “Ugh! Can’t we just order pizza!?!”
I may have told my children they can get whatever they want at the store but I have the right as their mother to veto the first 864 things they pick out.
My cats won’t talk to me because I came home late from work.
Why am I like this?
[reading bedtime stories]
Daughter: what’s his name?
Me: spot.
Daughter: what’s her name?
Me: daisy.
Daughter: what’s his name?
Me: [sigh] I don’t know, brian.
Wife: what are you reading?
Me: 101 Dalmatians.
Wife: lol [closes door].
Daughter: what’s his na-
me: grandma u cant believe every article on facebook
also me:[reads thread on twitter] ok avril lavigne has definitely been dead since 2003
My 6 year old says “Mom, I know” when I correct her and it makes me so excited for the teenage years.
Me: I hope you don’t mind if I nibble during sex.
Her: Not at all!
Me: Great!
*Pulls out grilled cheese sandwich*
Im not lazy, I keep my windows dirty because I care for bird safety.
imagine giving a baby gold then watching a guy whose present is a drum solo and realizing how badly you overshot it
“Honey, have you seen the cat?”
– Mrs. Schrödinger
My daughter still doesn’t understand this math problem even though I’ve explained it in several different frustrated tones.
Every time I see people kiss goodbye as they get out of a car, I think how lucky I am that I didn’t get that Uber driver.
Me: we should probably go to bed
Friend: or we could drink more and stay up later at the small expense of our will to live in the morning
Me: ok
[fancy restaurant]
HOST: uh sir, no outside food or drink is allowed
ME: this is my service chalupa
*throws smoke bomb, but when the smoke clears I’m just on the floor taking a nap*
If you’re buying something embarrassing at the drugstore (like an enema), just ask for a gift receipt so they won’t think it’s for you.
Show yourself some self-love.
No. Not in public.