me: *on my 100th crunch at the gym*
employee: ur getting cheeto dust on the weights
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Me: I like to tweet the same way I dance
Friend: like a big dork?
Me: well I meant like nobody’s watching, but that works too I guess
Wile Coyote was the original online shopper and helped advance modern logistics and distribution.
“Shrooms before brooms,” I say to the coven of stereotypical witches who have quite magically appeared in my living room.
therapist: what’s on your mind
me: why would a bull be in a china shop to begin with
Faces YOU Make ON The Toilet lol (o_o) (>_<) (0_0) (^_^)
Got a couple of real nice piles of dog shit on your lawn there. Sure would be a shame if something was to… you know, “happen” to them.
“Archeology is just like search and rescue only everyone’s been dead for 5,000 years, so there’s no rush”
This dude is ready for anything you could possibly throw his way. He definitely always understands the assignment.
Always.
I’m gonna scream “AVENGE ME!!!” and then just die of natural causes
Hear me out, a tattoo that beeps every time you are about to do something you will regret.
Twitter is like a very demented game of The Sims. Everyday I check to see how my people are doing and make sure they’re still alive.
My 7yr old walked up with a candy wrapper she’d found in the garbage “WHAT is this? Did YOU eat this?” “Yes, I bought it. At the store. With my own money.” I replied, beads of sweat forming on my forehead. I didn’t do anything wrong but oh how I felt like I really, really did.
[loud knocking]
“OPEN UP. IT’S THE POLICE!”
Me: Prove it.
“HOW?”
Me: Sing “Roxanne.”
I wonder how many other Sandy’s have come into men’s lives and taken their cars and houses, too.
If you give a man a fish he’ll eat for a day but if you teach a kid how to make pop tarts your job as a parent is pretty much done
Husband: Want any Chic-fil-A brought home?
Me: Yes, I’d like the one by the mall, please.
Not to brag but I reminded two people to drink water today. They were already at the cooler, but still
AVATAR
AVA2R
3VATAR
AV4TAR
AVATAR (the V means 5)
Moses: Thanks for the mana in the desert.
God: No problem.
Moses: But since you can make anything-
God: FOR THE LAST TIME, NO PIZZA.
Parenting tip: from now on, buy only spaghetti-sauce colored clothes.
Missed garbage day today if you’re looking for a bad boy that doesn’t play by the rules
Him: What dat mouth do?
Me: Cookie Monsters a case of Girl Scout Cookies.
Who thought blowing out candles on a cake was a good tradition? Ah yes; wax would go well with this cake and you know what else? Child spit.
Brains are sexy
Wish everyone had one
if aliens came to earth and found out that there was a department called ‘human resources’ in every single business they’d be like “oh crap there are other aliens here already” and i think that is very smart of us
Why did I laugh so hard at this 😂
can’t believe they changed the Hollywood sign again
Recent studies link bacon to cancer.
“Ya, don’t eat bacon, you’ll get so much cancer”, said one pink scientist.