Age ceases to be just a number everytime the airline announces seating queue priority
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I was actually doing so well until your email found me.
If the FBI want to get into an iPhone w/o users permission, they should ask someone who’s done it before, like U2
restaurant hosts will be like “let’s sit them at table 26Bq105” and then a server will just be like “ok follow me”
♫ Taaaake onnn beeees ♪
[Take on bees]
♪ Taaaake beeeees onnn ♫
[Take on bees]
Ooouch I’m stuuuuung ♪
Too many
Beeeeees ♫
Celebrating christmas in another country, santa leaves a chicken cutlet in my boot. “Is that good?” No one will make eye contact with me.
Seriously how ugly was Little Red Riding Hood’s grandma?
“And why did you join our gym?”
▫️to stay healthy
▫️a friend recommended it
☑️I’ve seen myself naked
Had to turn the heat on this morning, so of course I’ve started playing Christmas music.
What?
Can we stop calling it ‘Breaking news’ and start calling it ‘bloody hell what now’
My house is cleaner than it’s ever been and given that no one is allowed to come over to see it you’ll just have to take my word for it
Me: I spy with my little eye someone who is guilty.
Murder suspect: Me?
Me: Ahah, so you confess!
In my culture, yawning and rolling my eyes during a Zoom meeting is a sign of respect.
Mom, I’m glad April Fools is on a wkend. Kids at school are jerks
Me:*Hiding a plate of waffles drenched in olive oil* yeah people are mean
who called it pissing in the woods and not toiletrees
How often do I think about Keira? Knightley.
ME: [leaning over toilet] Hold back my hair
YOU: Ok
ME: [drinks from toilet like dog]
YOU: You’ve made your point I’ll wash up some glasses
I’m going to complain about the cold until a Canadian gets mad enough to say something rude, like ‘I’m sorry but it’s colder in Canada.”
“I” before “E”, except after “C”. That’s an efficient rule. Very efficient. Yep…efficient.
Study: People with children live longer.
People with children: Shit.
just saw Netflix went up to $19.99/month and all I gotta say is for the person who’s been letting me use theirs for the past few years…please stay strong 🙏
The great thing about roadkill is you can teach your kid about wildlife and road safety simultaneously
Walked into my living room and found my 4 yr old watching tv and eating pizza
Me: bud, why are you eating pizza?
4: I was hungry
Me: well, yeah. I mean it’s 7am, why didn’t you grab a yogurt or something?
4: because there was pizza
Of the 4 people living in this house, I’m the only one who didn’t immediately try to touch the new cactus houseplant.
I just learned that dentists can actually smell your fear.
I only wish that I weren’t learning this from the dentist who’s lurking outside my window
Kids today don’t even understand you could kill a person with a rotary phone.
Them: you’re 30 and still living with your parents!?!
Me, visibly perplexed: WHO’S PARENTS AM I SUPPOSED TO LIVE WITH THEN!!?!
Some people shouldn’t be informed when this quarantine is over.
It is WAY TOO EARLY for Christmas music. -people in the year 75 BC
50% of parenting is saying “we’ve got food at home.”