[guy inventing wicker furniture]
think I might knit myself a chair
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My boyfriend has the body of a god!
Or the body of God.
Okay, he’s like the body of Christ.
What I mean is, he’s a round white cracker.
If I were a cop, I’d focus on the people going the speed limit. They’re the ones with something to hide.
Ruin a hipster’s day by telling them how commercial you think their favorite band has become.
“Can I have one?”
“Only if you do the thing.”
“Do I have to?”
“Yes, and you have to do the voice.”
“𝘴𝘪𝘨𝘩… Harry Potter must not return to Hogwarts!”
Some things you recycle, some you throw away. For example: Paper & plastic you recycle. Opportunities, love and your future you throw away.
You think you’re hardcore? Watch THIS!
*Drinks vodka straight from the potato*
[job interview]
“So where do you see yourself in 5 years?”
Getting asked this question somewhere else
I am not above nurturing our friendship for years just to get that secret family recipe.
When grocery shopping, I only buy foods that can also be used as a weapon. Cantaloupe is a good example of this.
Apparently I was involved in a class action lawsuit against AT&T. Anyway, I just got a check for $1.33 if anyone wants to party.
*stood on Eiffel tower watching a beautiful sunset*
Sara?
*Gets down on one knee*
*audible gasp*
“Yes?”
Help my knee is made of magnets
I’m not sure which is a gentler way to wake me up; my 2yo or walking barefoot through a pile of glass shards.
If you have trouble sleeping, you’re destined to marry someone who falls asleep in 10 seconds and will hate them for it.
DATE: so…this is your place?
ME: yea…not fancy but it suits me. *opens flap of bouncy house* oh, also do you mind taking off your shoes
I’ll be like “I’m just gonna go take a quick look around the bookstore” and come back weeks later in flowing white robes having defeated a Balrog
Sing it!
This Job Fair sucks, it doesn’t even have rides.
Polar Bear: AHHHHHHHH.
God: please stop screaming.
Polar Bear: but I’m a ghost bear!
God: you aren’t a ghost bear.
Polar Bear: are you sure?
God: that’s just how you look.
Polar Bear: oh. ok.
[Swan flies by]
God: AHHHHH GHOST DUCK!
*Sad trombone noise*
Cop [holding breathalyser] “How the hell did you do that?”
The most unbelievable part of any Christmas movie is that characters my age are homeowners
Sex so good my Fitbit gave me a trophy.
Don’t have a house cat drive you to the post office. I know that now.
me: [wondering if i she can tell i lied about my job]
the woman cutting my hair: ocean king sounds stressful
me: it can be
So let me get this straight, she shot someone through the heart and the worst thing you can say about her is that she gives love a bad name?
Friends don’t tell friends 1980 was 40 years ago.
They should punish kids who do well in school with more homework to prepare them for what happens to people who are efficient at their jobs.
“It’s only eight o’clock” he says like that’s not late as shit.
Release that sexual frustration, get a burger.
Him: I’m breaking up with you
Me: is it because I constantly use my toes as fingers?
Him: yes
Me: *wipes a tear off of his face with my big toe* Okay
Pretty rude of my boyfriends’ wife to keep posting pics from their trip to Aruba.