If I learned anything from Aladdin it was that if u just keep lying to a girl eventually u will get to marry her and live at her dad’s house
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Dating in your 50’s is great!
Although my husband’s not that keen, tbh
The chickens in my neighbor’s coop collectively scuttle away from me. They know. They know what I’ve done.
Monogrammed towels are good for when you know how to spell your last name but sometimes get stumped on the first letter
maybe my dad is at the other end of this cvs receipt
Watson: “Holmes, why are you wrapped in a thin aluminium sheet?”
Holmes: “DAMMIT, FOILED AGAIN!”
Dude is taking me out of town for my birthday this weekend. He won’t tell me where we’re going but he has a shovel and 3 bags of lime in his truck so I’m thinking somewhere outside like maybe hiking.
Kinda weird, but my gynecologist was still wearing eclipse glasses during my pelvic exam.
As a chemistry teacher, Walter White was dedicated to the scientific methhead.
Cats don’t have owners, cats take people hostage in order to feed them …
Amazon probably spends millions on search engine optimization and ad software yet somehow hasn’t figured out that after buying a vacuum cleaner I’m not immediately going to need another
I put in an order at a deli. The woman helping me had a name tag that said “Kate.” While she was getting my food, another employee bumped into her. I said “Be careful. She’s very Deli Kate.”
They stared at me like I’d grown a second head. Well I thought it was funny…
kids today are missing out of the pre-streaming era, where your childhood was at least partially defined by some semi-obscure movie your family just happened to own on tape and you watched several dozen times
The toughest test in a marriage is interpreting the statement, “Don’t get me anything for Christmas.”
nobody needs to go to school for code. if your code doesnt work just keep putting } at the end until it works
Me: Ours was a love divine
I was yours; you were mine
If the stars would realign-Teacher: This is POTTERY class. Poetry class is next door
Having a teen daughter the same shoe size as me is worth every single eye roll and sigh she dishes out because my shoe closet has doubled.
When I get naked in front of a man for the first time I never do it slowly and seductively, that would just give him time to get away.
Ever meet one of these people that makes everything a competition? I’ve met more.
Who called it a Spanish teacher instead of an instruction Manuel?
“It’s not debauchery it’s Digiorno!”
Me drunk about to eat a frozen pizza
*puts crime-scene photos in a rocket*
Ok stand back
“Detective, what are u doing?”
What does it look like, I’m launching this investigation
to people who call it “supper” and not “dinner”: do you also have some crops to tend to? would you like me to go fetch you water from the well past the prairie? are the cold winter months coming? have you hunted for meat recently? is the bread ready? have you smelt the tears of
Sharks don’t kill people. Tornados with sharks kill people.
me, 1988: my dad calls everything by the wrong name. why doesn’t he know what anything is
me: 2018: calling my kid’s mindcraft game “computer legos” is way funnier than saying mindcraft and it pisses her off every time
My 1 year old kept saying “I lug ya” and I was so excited until I realized he was trying to say “alexa” not “I love you”
I would have a shitload of money if I liked Ramen Noodles and hated vodka.
HER: I can’t be with a guy who thinks he’s Optimus Prime
ME: I can change Becky
HER: promise?
ME: into a semi truck
[1st time meeting a friends baby]
Me to the Wife: “Our baby would kill their baby in a duel.”
Friend: “HEY! WE CAN HEAR YOU!”
Her: I said I’d like to see you BETTER yourself.
Me: Oh. *slowly puts down butter knife*
If I were Noah, I’d be grabbing two of every bottle of alcohol