Buy your kids a tortoise. Then when you’re elderly, they’ll already have 40 years’ experience feeding & loving something that barely moves
You Might Also Like
Me: Hi Gammy.
Her: Do I know you?
Me: When did she get amnesia?
Sister: She doesn’t have amnesia. She owes you money.
I was going to fake my own death but I didn’t want to have to start a new Twitter account from scratch.
The Spy Who Loved Me But Wasn’t, Like, IN Love With Me #RejectedBondTitles
I planned to leave my body to the local medical school for them to train on and practice with, but the students successfully petitioned against it as a gross violation of their human rights.
A bunch of things I labeled yesterday as tomorrow problems had the nerve to show up today and I’m just like excuse me who said you could be here.
Friend: Good for you for working out.
Me: I said I done squat today.
CROCODILE: Your shoes are gross
ME [looks down at my green crocs] uh yeah. They’re horrible
CROCODILE: Have they got a name?
ME: what
CROCODILE: What do you call them?
ME: uh
CROCODILE: SAY IT
Should I ever go missing, please don’t let the news use my 7th grade picture.
Just found out a spider’s been living in my shower. Just hanging out. Quietly. Watching me. So, long story short, I HAVE A NEW BOYFRIEND!
Damn … History Channel 😀
#archaeohistories
Hand feeding garbage to my roomba when its battery is low
God only gives you what you can handle. Really? Because I’m pretty sure I could handle way more money.
In Hell, you’re surrounded by people saying ‘suposably’ and ‘irregardless.’
Therapist: It’s been 8 years since the death of your parents. How are you coping?
Bruce Wayne: I dress as a bat and beat up strangers now.
me: my cat’s stuck in a tree!
fire department: sorry sir, but right now we’re only responding to fires
me: ok gimme a sec
No one has ever called me “daddy” in bed unless they had to throw up, pee, or wrecked a car.
I feel a bit deprived…….
*Turns on work computer*
*Enters Username and Passwords for 43 various programmes and immediately locks computer as it’s now lunchtime*
*Logs back into computer. Enters Username and Passwords for 43 various programmes and immediately closes down computer as it’s time to go*
Some of my friends have really unattractive children and I don’t say a word I just carry this heavy cross
Death metal fans are complaining abt all the noise. Irony.
Why is it called In N Out when the line is 10 miles long
If a tiger attacks your mother-in-law and your wife at the same time, whom would u save?
Man : Off course, the tiger.. very few are left
Sure my whining and moaning is annoying now but when I’m a ghost it’ll be cool as hell.
Hi. This automated call is to let you know that the prescription you don’t need is available and that the one that you do need has been discontinued. Press one to continue to get annoying calls like this. Press two for the same thing.
My weight loss plan is going so disastrously I’m giving serious consideration to getting a cannibal involved.
Oh sure, when my cat brings you a dead animal it’s because she’s giving you a present, but when I do it, I’m a “psychopath.”
{bedazzling my new tee shirt}
DO NOT RESUSCITATE
The other guy on this cliff screaming at the sky just threw his wedding ring over which makes me feel less bad about losing my kite.
Them: You’re hot.
Me: *eyes narrowed suspiciously* How many crosswalks do you see in here right now?
Is there also a milkshake that will keep all the boys away from my yard?
I see you like sex.
*apparently not an acceptable thing to say to a pregnant woman.