Aggressively singing “This Is How We Do It” while putting my husband’s clothes in the hamper instead of the floor.
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please please tell me that benedict cumberbatch’s middle initial is Q
I’m two weeks older than my boyfriend so my favorite thing to do is say “when I was your age…” and then just describe whatever I was doing two weeks ago
Pack a bag, we’re going on a tangent.
Pulled a loose string on my dress by accident and now I’m naked
[road trip]
Child: I spy with my little eye…something with a huge bald spot and-
Me: PLAY SOMETHING ELSE
3-year-old: Can the baby come out to play?
Pregnant wife: No, honey. She’s not ready yet.
3-year-old:
Wife:
3-year-old: Babies are lazy.
*buys a bunch of stuff at Costco*
Sir, you wanna box for those?
“Nah, I hate violence. Can I just pay cash?”
Dear North Carolina, if you let guys marry each other, you’ll have more available women in your family to date!
Kid’s tiny friend: My mom sent me here as she is cleaning our house.
My kid: why is she cleaning, is anyone visiting?
when you’re having a great time with your new toy but then find out it’s not for you
Our vision of Hell doesn’t come from the Bible; it’s a composite drawn from fictional sources like The Divine Comedy and Paradise Lost. Fearing Hell is tantamount to fearing the plot of a Stephen King novel.
WAITRESS: Is that a no on dessert?
Huge thanks to @funTweeters for publishing my tweet! This made my week 🙂
Hell hath no fury like a 5 yo who doesn’t want his brother to stare at him in the car.
I could never be a burglar because my OCD would always have me going straight to the kitchen to front face the labels on their cans.
white people love ordering something that’s meant to be eaten with rice without rice and then waking up the next day not being able to open their eyes because of sodium bloat and being like why is korean food so salty like you ate enough kimchi jjigae for a family of 5 martha
On the news: there’s a shortage of maternity-ward staff.
You could say it’s a bit of a…*looks away*
*mumbles*
MIDWIFE crisis!
(…sorry.)
LIFE LESSON: Never do anything which you don’t want to explain to the Paramedics.
Me: My wife got me a telescope for Christmas.
Neighbor: Nice. I got-
Me: I know. I watched you guys open everything.
23rd Century Scientist: We’re sending you to 1889 to kill baby Hitler. Four words: Stick. To. The. Mission.
Henry Ford: Yes, sir.
Me: there’s no “u” in team
Canadian: we’ll see about that bud
The best thing about being kidnapped is it’s like an automatic best friend who can’t let you leave or you’ll go to the police.
Vader: I am your father!
Random kid: Really?
Vader: You’ve got like 30 siblings. I’m kind of a man whore.
If they cancel the Simpsons we will no longer be able to see into the future
Sometimes I think I’m in love with the woman who drops off the Amazon packages, and sometimes I realize I’m having a Pavlovian response.
I just stabbed a pin in my arm.
Somewhere out there a bunch of voodoo dolls just said ‘Ouch.’
I would like to think money won’t change me, but I won $5 on a scratch-off lottery ticket and immediately bought name brand aluminum foil.
People found guilty of not using punctuation deserve the longest sentence possible.
Stay humble, you are someone’s weird coworker.
I enjoy the freedom of speech because if you let crazy people talk, they’ll totally tell you they’re crazy.