Princess Peach has been kidnapped so often, I’m beginning to think she might be Liam Neeson’s daughter.
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Billion dollar technology idea:
A printer that works
People who dip their pizza in ranch dressing have killed and will kill again.
Customer: did you know that when octopuses get mad they throw things at one another?
Me, slowly suspecting my ex might have been an octopus: you don’t say…
*goes to the gym*
*takes a selfie & posts it on Facebook for the wife to see*
*hurries to the bar*
You better watch out
Les Miserables was pretty good but I wish I’d had some kind of warning that everyone in it would be so unhappy.
Hip-Hop & Dancing go hand & hand for my generation.
87% of parenting is yelling, “DON’T MAKE ME COME IN THERE,” from a different room.
You ever in a public place and overhear something and look around to see if the person looks as stupid as they sound?
Movie where someone thinks they’re a ghost and the plot twist is they were alive the whole time
hell hath no fury like a toddler whose sibling is looking out the car window that isn’t theirs to look out of.
This Valentine’s Day, make sure to make it extra awkward by playing “All By Myself” on full blast in your car while eating and sobbing into a bucket of fried chicken when you’re waiting at red lights.
Her: so yeah i’m a palaeontologist, it means i know a lot about dinosaurs basically, do you have a favourite dinosaur?
Me: *visibly sweating* umm…umm…REPTAR.
Her: …
Me: …
Her: …like…like from rugrats?
Me: …he had a wagon
Spokane Press, Washington, July 16, 1907
Bury me with thousands of bottle caps so whoever finds me 2000 years from now really freaks out
Se7en, but instead of deadly sins, the murders are based on different Smurfs.
Sometimes I follow ants carrying food to the nest just to see who puts the groceries away.
[seaworld]
“Hey what happened to the new guy?”
-He tried to have sex with
the dolphin in tank 6“But there’s a shark in tan..”
-BINGO!
If I was ever asked to be a cheerleader I’d jump at the chants.
Fighting on twitter be like 🤣
[taking baby’s shoes off]
Oh what a surprise. Clean soles. It’s almost as if you were carried everywhere.
My excitement about your Indian food is largely dependent on your pronunciation of “cumin”.
I think we should send notes to our bosses like when we were in school seeing if your crush liked you but it’s “will you give me the raise I deserve check yes or no”
thinking about the time i moved into a new spot and there were bullet holes in the ceiling and the owner said the previous resident had seen a real big spider
I’ve seen:
•UFOs
•Ghosts
•A Two Headed Turtle
•Kimodo DragonsBut nothing is as unbelievable to me as seeing Trump run for president.
Me: No, you cannot have any of daddy’s beer.
Son: Why not?
Me: You know why not.
Son: Because you don’t like to share?
Me: Because I don’t like to share.
“Alexa, homeschool the children.”
They say using smaller plates will help you eat less.
It took 3 of them to hold my dinner, not sure how this is helping.
If you’re wondering why it seems like there are so many birthdays these past few weeks it’s because we are the result of parents who have sex once a year on Valentines Day
There are two owls inside you. You are going to nail this interview at Hooters.