I wrote a screenplay
-No you didn’t
About our Savior
-Just stop
Opening Judea’s best ice cream shop
-Shut up
It’s Jesus Christ, Scooper Star
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me: dinosaurs can’t jump
her: how do u know
me: they’re dead Linda
What did one tectonic plate say when he bumped into another tectonic plate? Sorry my fault..
[while house is on fire]
Firefighter: wake up ma’am, your house is on fire.
Me: can’t you see I’m sleeping?
F: but the house is on fire.
Me: 9 out of 10 people wish to die while sleeping, and we’re most likely to die at 11 am *looks at clock* You just ruined a perfect death.
If love is blind, why the hell can I still see my husband standing there with a tank top tucked into his shorts.
Good morning you can pee in a cup anytime, not just at the doctors office
her: wanna come over
me: can’t i’m at an office party
her: ur self-employed
me: and having a great time
Erm I’m gonna say no
On a recent tour of my son’s college, the guide walked us up 5 flights of steep stairs because she didn’t think the 4 of us should share an elevator. I’m pretty sure the extreme shortness of breath my husband and I had, at the top, confirmed her concern for protecting our heath.
He died doing what he loved: almost crossing the street.
58.
[3 days into dieting]
*sees ad for burger & fries*
*drowns in his own saliva*
ex: do you still have feelings for me?
me: yes.
disgust.
inventor of the sauna: it’s a box and it makes you want to die of heat and dehydration, like microdosing dying in a desert
4 made me pay 50 million to watch her gymnastics show then she did a roly poly, kicked me in the face and yelled at me for sitting too close do not recommend
Toddlers are fun because every so often they‘ll agree with almost anything you say.
Me: we’re going out tonight okay?
Toddler: yeah.
Me: we’re gonna get into some trouble.
Toddler: yeah.
Me: start a revolution.
Toddler: yeah!
Me: Then we’ll go to bed.
Toddler: no.
I’m not a bad person, although once I blew a paper straw cover at my husband and it stuck in a lady’s hair and I didn’t tell her.
The toddler has started to understand more of my BAD language. So my swear words have become a bit more PG… Fudgesicles! Oh Sugar! Sweet Nibblets! Holy Guacamole!
Basically, swearing now makes me hungry.
Humans should grow a new set of teeth in our 30s to make-up for all the poor decisions in our 20s.
Cat toys that look like actual mice are going to be the reason for my heart attack
My ex is such a loser that if there was a competition for the world’s biggest loser, he’d still only win 2nd place.
My bank assures me my money is safe with them, yet they keep their pens chained to desks and most of them are missing.
McDonald’s has spoiled all of us with their super-charged carbonated soda. I don’t want just any Sprite. I want the Sprite that will make me see God.
I feel like IBM isn’t being roasted enough for their company name.
ME [being stabbed by a stingray]: This pancake seems angry.
CNN: Trump removes screaming baby from rally
Fox News: Trump rally interrupted by another unruly, entitled protestor who still lives at home
[Calling concert venues across the country]
Hi yes, I’m just calling to let you know that on your website you spelled “weekend” incorrectly
I’m babysitting my 2 yr old nephew today and when I told him he couldn’t eat ice cream for breakfast he told me “you’re not my best friend anymore” so we compromised and now he’s on his second bowl of ice cream and I’ve gained the title “best friend in the whole wide world”
Me in a huff: you just said disrobe down to my socks. You didn’t say anything about staying in the exam room
Of course I trust you, the hidden cameras were to capture possible paranormal activities.