Get in, octopus. We’re gonna open jars and do some taxes.
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[Explaining nomenclature to my niece]
Well, you see, celebrities used up all the good names the year you were born, Fancy Feast.
All we want is to get laid and for no one to touch our cell phones.
Nasa is launching a satellite to say sorry to the aliens.
They’re calling it the Apollo G.
Most people don’t know this, but the North only won the Civil War because the South got half an inch of snow and they lost their damn minds.
“Let’s see what the internet says, shall we?”
-my kids, fact checking me
You want to make them feel welcome but not so much that they’d want to come back any time too soon.
Socialising is hard.
HAPPY EARTH DAY!
Suck it, Neptune.
“What’s your name?”
“Who’s your daddy?”
“Is he rich like me?”These “reset your password” questions are getting kind of weird.
whenever i eat at a restaurant i make sure to sit with my back to the wall facing the door, that way if a dracula comes in i can kill myself before things get too scary
My best friend bought my daughter a 2000 piece bead kit when she turned four and to this day I don’t know what I did to piss her off.
Him: Will you proofread this essay for me?
Me: Dammit, Todd! I CAN read and don’t need to prove it to you everytime you write something.
“Coffee is disgusting. Why would grown ups drink this stuff?” says my son, who woke up at 5 AM of his own free will and then proceeded to wake me at 5 AM against my own free will.
[Married Pillow Talk]
Husband: Tell me what you want..
Me: I want you to take our kid to soccer practice tomorrow.
My whole life is like that 2 seconds before you sneeze
I see your annoying @ and raise you a middle finger.
“Notice the way he uses colors.”
“How??”
Great! I just wet my pants. Now people are gonna think I spilled my drink on myself.
*walking into store*
Him: You need a cart?
Me: No, I’m just getting 2 things.
Him: *rolls eyes, grabs cart*Marriage level: Expert
when you miss someone’s call by one second and immediately call back and they don’t answer. what’s going on there. did your telephone explode. did you fall into a chasm.
Tonight I realized when I’m on video calls I bite my bottom lip like I’m trying to awkwardly seduce everyone on the call. Why am I like this
“We are Three Percenters. We are everywhere.”
If you are only 3% you cant be everywhere.
It literally says so in your name.
Halloween. A kid comes to the door with a sign”I love ceilings”
What are you?
A Ceiling Fan.
Gave him all the candy.
I don’t want to give away my exact locale but I’ll just say I can see the moon from my kitchen. Please don’t abuse this info.
ur macbook about to start asking if you want update now, tonight or when the 2nd wave hits
You know when people wear 2 t-shirts at once and they look trendy and it looks really good on them well when I do it people are like “hey did you know you’re wearing two shirts”
Concierge: Welcome to Paris, monsieur.
Me: You recognize this man?
*slides photo*
Concierge: That’s Pepe le Pew.
Me: If you see him you call me. *leans in* My cat’s been taken.
It’s so cute how my kids think I’m going to go look for them after I finish counting to ten.
The concentration of salt in ham is so high, you could float on a lake of ham and never sink.
The greatest Halloween decoration you’ll ever see
My late night activities includes getting drunk and slow dancing to the Bee Gees with my cat.