I’m a go getter
And right now I’m a go getter nap
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The “baby” on the left….
“Yes, I need to check in.”
“Sir, this is a burn unit.”
“Yeah, I got hit hard with a series of jokes about my mom, and I had no comeback.”
God I love corduroy pants. If only the fire department would allow me to wear them
They say to do something that scares you everyday so I hosted an outdoor birthday party with 12 kids under the age of 8 while wearing a white t-shirt.
me tracking my package 5 minutes after i just ordered it
When we got married, my wife had her last name legally changed to mine, and my name was apparently changed to “Is that what you’re wearing?”
Thoughts and prayers for my starving teens suffering from fridge and pantry blindness
I was bit by a radio active spider so now I wear a rubber suit, swing around like a monkey and use karate, you know, like a spider.
I don’t trust kids as far as I can throw them. Currently my record for trusting a kid is 6 feet 11-1/4 inches.
Mom, can you take us to the maul?
-teen bears, probably
I buy mixed berries because I like them, but really I enjoy eating blackberries with raspberries, and imagining that I’m eating the world’s tiniest chess board.
[hotel room]
Her: why are you making the bed
Me: I can’t have housekeeping thinking we’re slobs, Karen
I miss the eighties when the biggest problem was saving the local youth center with a break dancing fundraiser.
I love using phrases like “knowing is half the battle” so my kids think I’m wise beyond my years, because they have no idea I took it from a cartoon.
All underwear is edible if you aren’t a coward
Autocorrect changed “decaffeinated” to “defecated”, and despite what my wife may claim, I’m pretty sure she knew what I wanted a cup of.
My “get up and go” got up and left years ago.
[haunted house]
FRIEND: you scared???
ME: not because of this haunted house, but yes
You’d think being an introvert is less dangerous, but I just ran across 3 lanes of traffic to avoid interacting with a crossing guard.
Don’t eat sugar, don’t drink alcohol, don’t eat saturated fat, wear sunscreen, drink plenty of water, moisturize, and exercise….
And you’ll be the healthiest corpse in the morgue.
Me: You can’t arrest me. I have to run a marathon today.
Cop: Stop playing the race card.
The Dominos “tracker” says Ashley just left with my pizza so I only have a few minutes to get naked. Just glad it’s not Brad…
…again.
NEED SOMEONE TO FILM AN ONLYFANS VID WITH ME:
You pretend to be a mover helping me get my things from one apartment to the other. I wear a tiny sundress and you don’t touch me you just move my things. This does not pay
*arouses suspicion*
Suspicion: I have a boyfriend. But c’mere.
14 put my contact in his phone as birth-giver, his dad as birth-giver assistant, and his sister as rival spawn
Tall girls might get modeling contracts but I can still ask for the high school student discount.
Serious talk at the office of replacing me with a leg lamp.
Me: *scrunches my face*
13: Your forehead looks like one of those people from Star Trek.
Me: *gasps* HOW DARE YOU!… you know we’re a Star Wars family.
If you’re tired of “food” and want to try something a bit more sophisticated, may I recommend “cuisine”?
The directions say take two of the One a Day vitamins and that’s why nothing makes sense in this world.