[before surgery]
doctor: we’re going to put you to sleep now. have you done this before?
me: yes, every night
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[Chevy commercial]
“we blindfolded people and put them in our new Chevy. Here’s what they had to say”
Man: I couldn’t see anything. I was blindfolded
Woman: I feared for my life the entire time
Please stop asking me what my tweets mean. I can’t read.
The Shawshank Redemption but it’s just me tunneling from my office to the break room so I don’t have to talk to my boss.
As a kid: I hope to one day cure diseases and be an Olympic swimmer.
Me as an adult: I hope to one day finish a bottle of shampoo and conditioner at the same time.
“I got in a fight at Michaels over glitter glue once, so you should probably step aside.”
-Me, to a guy buying the last of my favorite wine
True statement👍😏😁
When she finally says yes and you realize that wasn’t a condom you were carrying around for the past 9 years
People say you have to study Shakespeare in school, but Shakespeare never studied Shakespeare and look at him. He became Shakespeare.
ME: We’re adopting a baby!
FRIEND: Congrats! Will you need my old baby gate?
ME: [considers summoning a baby] Nah, we’ll get one from this dimension
I forgot to pay off my exorcism loan, and now I’m being repossessed.
I have absolutely no problem following the juice diet for 3 days. You can fit a pizza in the juicer right?
Spielberg missed a great opportunity when he didn’t put FIN at the end of Jaws.
Twitter fine art
To the twelve people who are always liking my tweets:
Do you want something from the gas station?
*recovering from a broken ankle*
My dogs: Let us protect you by making sure we are under every. single. step.
Salad is being recalled. Do you know what’s never been recalled? Oreos.
Me: “Go to bed, the cows are already asleep in the field.”
Son: “So what?”
Me: “It’s pasture bedtime.”
No one loses an argument when they’re carrying a chain saw.
.@rickygervais Ricky, if you can get Twitter to verify me, you will be the first atheist allowed into heaven.
[god creating dolphins]
Peter: why is he smiling?
God: cos, Pete, I’ve given him an asshole on top of his head
Peter: ah. Nice
beware of dog
Dads will leave 3 Frosted Flakes in the box and tell you it’s enough for a bowl
I will raise my son to treat your daughters like spoiled princesses, but only if you don’t raise your daughters to think they are. Deal?
If you would have told 7 year old me that one day I’d be sneaking into people’s rooms to steal their teeth I’d have thought you were crazy.
Every day Facebook tells me I have memories and wants to show them to me. It’s like they have no appreciation for the cost or the amount of liquor I needed to erase them.
Just when you think you’re raising a normal child, one day you look at your 10 y/o and she’s biting into the middle of the taco first.
the absolute shock I feel when someone brings up something I tweeted in person??? like no that was PRIVATE, it was between me and the entire internet
Your name is just a compromise. It’s the one both your parents didn’t hate.
‘New year new me’ I whisper as I polish off a brick of cheese and pray that this year I’m not still lactose intolerant.
Personal trainer: Abs are made in the kitchen.
Me: so was this pie