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[house hunting]
ME: I can see us settling down here
REALTOR: oh you have a family?
ME: *taking realtor’s hand* not yet
After 3 disastrous surgeries I said that’s it no more pretending to be a doctor.
[christmas break with my extended family]
*me in Oprah voice* YOU NEED A THERAPIST AND YOU NEED A THERAPIST! EVERYBODY NEEDS A THERAPIST!
My daughter forgot her gym uniform at home. When I arrived at her school to drop it off, I realized I also forgot the uniform.
I see where she gets it from.
Hell hath no fury like a toddler who sees you eating the chicken nuggets he said he didn’t want
ANGEL: what are we gonna call the 11th month? I was thinking Vember.
GOD: no, no Vember. Vember is my ex.
ANGEL:
GOD: [taking bong rip] lmao, so this is gonna sound really petty but I just had an idea-
He obviously thinks I’m some kind of maritime explorer, like calm down Magellan
You haven’t lived until you’ve wrestled an alligator*
*dressed a toddler
As a woman I personally am looking forward to aging. I seriously cannot wait to use my senior discount at the diner, dye my white hair the same pink as Frenchie from Grease, & put tennis balls on my walker. I’m just gonna be so good at being old.
My son asked why some mommies and daddies live in different houses, so I sat him down and told him the truth… their kids complained about slow WiFi and never went to bed on time.
Onion rings.
I pick up the onion. “Hello?”
I start crying. “Bad news?” she asks, as I hang up.
“No, babe. It’s an onion.”
Never call it a guest room.
That’s just asking for trouble.
I wanted to buy Mariah Carey’s preferred brand of mouthwash, but my wife insisted we purchase Celine Dion’s. So we split up, citing irreconcilable diva rinses.
I dont have a “college fund” bc my youngest will most likely get a scholarship and my oldest thinks all dogs are boys and all cats are girls
Leading causes of cancer:
1. Smoking
2. Aging
3. Radiation
4. Diet
5. WebMD
My anaconda don’t want none unless you got a suitable living environment for him, a terrarium with a heat lamp, some small rodents, etc.
one time when I was a kid I was in canada on canada day but didn’t realize it was canada day and I saw a mountie on stilts so I spent the next couple of years thinking canada had stilt cops
me: thanks for explaining what a plethora is
her: ur welcome
me: it really means a lot
* My life flashes before my eyes*
Me, a mom: Why did I only see laundry?!
My ‘gravy is low’ light just came on.
Just realized the laundry detergent has been in the refrigerator for 3 days, in case you’re looking for a business manager.
[aliens observing earth]
“Horse racing is the shit we gotta start doing that”
Wife: How long has 5 been in the tub?
Me: I’m letting her soak before I wash her
my girl’s so sweet she always texts me Disney lyrics when she’s away with our mates like “you’ve got a friend in me”
The cure to missing someone is just remembering what an asshole they really were.
Just got your text from last night: you need to cut the red wire first to stop the countdown.
My sister thinks I should come see her new baby, but where was she when I got my new goldfish? Nice try sis.
Son: “Mommy, look, this is how you draw infinity!”
Me: “Yes, sweetie, that’s so smart!”
Son: “It looks like a hiney.”
Save a horse, ride a wave of anxiety.