nice idyllic small town ya got here…it’d be a shame if it harbored a deadly secret
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walking into gamestop smoking a cigar to announce that i own $60 of stock and i demand they add garfield to super smash bros
BREAKING: Hillary Clinton concedes election to Donald Trump, saying “I just can’t see how I can win after Scott Baio endorsed Trump.”
Weddings are dumb. Except yours. Yours was a great way to spend money.
I miss the days where someone would tell us shit like “Mick Jagger is Kesha’s dad” and we’d all just believe it for months because it didn’t matter if it was true or not
Underwear isn’t protecting you from your pants. It’s protecting your pants from YOU! Another conspiracy uncovered.
I love to run. Around the house. Chasing my toddler. Because she took my iced coffee.
Newton’s amended 1st law of motion:
Objects dropped on the floor by teens will remain at rest for months unless acted upon by an angry Mom.
My wife asked me if I was going to take a shower before we go to some friend’s house for the evening like she didn’t see me get in the pool.
[first day of school]
LILY: My mommy named me Lily because she loves lilies.
LUNA: My mommy named me Luna because she loves the moon.
BRANDY and METHANY: We hate this game.
My milkshake won’t bring the boys to the yard but I’m betting my free wifi will.
*Listens to We Didn’t Start the Fire by Billy Joel*
*Adds history major to resumé*
I hate when you have 47 items and the cashier asks, “Do you need a bag?” Oh no, I’m heading right back to the circus, so I’ll just juggle all this shit for 6 miles”
*Husband sneezes loudly
Me: What do we say to Daddy, kids?
Kids, in unison: NO ONE WANTS YOUR GERMS
me: *kicking stirrups* go on now git
gynecologist: stop that
At my interview
Him – what do you make at your current job?
Mostly mistakes and few inappropriate comments
My daughter lost her first tooth today and has not stopped crying since. Why she didn’t punch me back I have no idea
*Flirting before having kids*
Me: [sends her pic of my naked body]*Flirting after having kids*
Me: [sends her pic of our bed with freshly changed sheets]
Just picturing a bunch of roombas praying to a statue of a full sized vacuum cleaner
17: If I was gay would you still love me?
Me: Of course.
17: If I committed crimes?
Me: Yes.
17: If I voted for Trump-
Me: Dead to me.
*finds own number on a bathroom stall*
Call for a good time!? This is outrageous!
*crosses out good; writes in GREAT*
There. Fixed.
Me: I probably shouldn’t throw you bread
Seal:
me: I bet you have seal-iac disease lol
[later]
Scientist: we’ve never seen seals murder someone so violently before
My dentist told me I need a crown. I was like I KNOW, RIGHT?
Close call…
Don’t people with bumper stickers realize it takes a t-shirt to change a person’s deeply held beliefs?
[emerges from time machine back in present day]
I did it. I got Hitler rejected from art school, saving German art from years of mediocrity
There are no more ventriloquist’s dummy comedians because the ventriloquist dummies killed them all.
me (under my breath): don’t let her know how awkward you are
date: what are you having
me: an ok time
Boy, your name must be Adobe cuz when you call me up for a date, I say “Ask me again later.”
Birds do it & no one bats an eye. One time I shit on a windshield & suddenly it’s arrests & psych evaluations.