Me: You’re NEVER supportive of my goals and accomplishments.
Police: Because you keep killing people
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Thanks to a fan for this one!
told someone “my scrubs are made from cotton but i’m made of boyfriend material” then they blocked me immediately
If you ever need to wake my wife from a coma, just set your drink on the coffee table without a coaster.
*orders delivery*
*puts almost empty milk carton back in fridge*
[wife texts me from France]
“Really?”
I had a Russian Uber driver the other day.
His name was Pikup Andropov.
Me: The only thing I’m guilty of is starting singalongs
Judge: And that you killed a man
Me: put a gun against his head
Jury: pulled my trigger now he’s dead
Judge: mama
Apparently speed dating doesn’t involve taking amphetamines. UGH.
Worst night ever.
[spider walking into spinning class] What’s up with the bikes?
Can i borrow your truck?
Me: no problem just read the dashboard
[Grim Reaper arrives at my door]
ME: oh no, is it my time?!
GR: Oh no, I’m just coming for that last tweet you posted. That thing’s been dying for hours…
Hello 911? I was doing that thing where you pretend to walk down stairs behind a couch only it worked. I have no idea where I am. Help me.
Wife and I got each others name tattooed on the other after we got married. Split up and I had it covered with another tattoo. Two years later got back together and I’ve not told her yet, she just thinks I sleep in a hoodie because I’m cold. Have to come clean soon.
Nothing.
Me, at a romantic movie: pffft like that would ever happen
Me, at any other genre movie: YES I ABSOLUTELY ACCEPT THIS OUTLANDISH SCENARIO
*watching Only Murders In The Building*
Me: “Where are all the crows?”
I meant to type : You’re dear to me.
I actually typed : You’re dead to me.
Losing friends is easy.
Me: there there. No need for ugly crying
Him: I’m not crying
“What should we call our matches?”
“I dunno, something normal”
If your kid ever asks you something when you’re not listening, never just blindly reply with, “Sure.”
I’ve been cleaning blueberries off the ceiling for 20 minutes.
Hey beauty brands who make face creams. 30ml is only enough for an ant’s face.
I’m on a walk with my 4 year old. There’s not another person in sight. I’ve tapped her on her far shoulder three times already and each time she’s stopped, turned around, and looked confused as hell. We’ve still got a long walk ahead–I’m going to go for the world record.
Hear me out:
A tampon that yells “OH YEAH” in the Kool-Aid man’s voice when it’s full
What we really mean when we say parenting gets “easier” is that kids eventually sleep more and get their own snacks.
Me: (Laughing at something funny on my phone)
Husband: What’s so funny, can I see?
Me: Of course. One sec
(Resets phone to factory settings)
Me: Here you go
WARNING: Local youths are challenging passers-by to attempt the world record for how fast a person can climb the oak tree on Pinewick Road. DON’T DO IT. Once you’re up the tree, they steal your bicycle. Also, I don’t think they timed me so I don’t even know if I broke the record
The Discovery Channel should be on a different channel every day
To ‘There’s a Hole in the Bucket’
I can’t access my network
Dear IT, Dear IT
I can’t access my network
Dear IT, accessThen check your email
Dear cheeky, dear cheeky
Then check your email
Dear cheeky, check itI can’t access my network
Dear IT, dear IT
(repeat endlessly)
How do the Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles have 6-pack abs? They can’t do sit-ups.
People keep asking if they can help me by watching my newborn. She doesn’t make me watch cocomelon, leave toys all over the floor, or scream that her brother is looking at the her. Take the older two.