11y/o: Thanks for packing my lunch today, but next time…I’m gonna need more chocolate.
Narrator: But there was not more chocolate…In fact, there’s never more chocolate…For, her mother, eats it all.
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Babies really be acting like they’re the victim of a terrible crime when really you’re just trying to put warm PJs on them so they’ll sleep comfortably.
them: i hate answering emails
me: yeah, it’s the worst
them: let’s just have a meeting
me: wait
I get it. You don’t want to name your baby Mary or John or Sarah or Michael or any of these old, unoriginal names when you can give it one of these new, unoriginal names.
*hannibal lecter’s shopping list*
fava beans
a nice chianti
dave
do you know who else makes a Big Mac using all 54 ingredients so I don’t have to
if eating salty stuff at night makes you puffy in the morning why doesn’t sugar make you fit and contoured
‘Nuts and bolts’ would be a good name for a diary of one night stands.
Forcing my general contractor to dig his own grave. He says he can be done by May, maybe June. Depends on some other jobs.
“Good parenting isn’t giving your kid everything she needs, but rather it is giving her the tools to enable her to obtain those things for herself” I reflect as I apply the finishing touches to my 5 year old‘s flamethrower.
i’m a Leo which means i won’t win an Oscar for several more years
My wife has the flu and asked for help around the house so I bought her a Roomba
The doctor looked sad when he came into the exam room but he cheered up when he saw my “live fast, die young” tattoo so I’m excited to hear what he has to say
*first date*
Me: They keep saying we’re destroying the ocean, but you know what the ocean is? Just one big toilet. Two parts water, eight parts feces. All that marine life taking ten craps a day then swimming in each other’s shit for a lifetime.
Waiter: Madam, your sea bass.
My eyebrows are looking ferocious. They’re about to hop off my face & maul someone.
A vegan walks into a bar and doesn’t say anything because the person who has never seen star wars is going on about never seeing star wars.
If you need me, I’m in bed snuggling with my emotional support Funyuns.
Everytime I see my see my neighbors having sex in their hot tub, I think to myself “I can’t believe I’m recording this”
People say I look amazing at my age. I just follow a simple routine of adding 10 years when I tell them how old I am.
6-year-old: When I grow up, do I have to get a job?
Me: Only if you want food and shelter.
6: *carefully considers her options*
s
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women will be like ‘i just want to be friends’ and then turn around and use a can opener to open some tuna. idk, I’ve never spoken to a woman, im just trying to post relatable content, am I close
If you’re dying, and have recently lost your car keys, take the opportunity, as your life flashes before your eyes, to try to spot them!
Note to self: when in a bank and your kids are climbing on the chairs. Don’t yell…
GET DOWN!
Each year, my Dad gives me money to buy Christmas gifts for everyone.
Each year, my Dad says, “I can’t wait to see what I got everyone!”
I don’t care how hardcore you are. If you don’t cry when Dumbo visits his mommy in elephant jail, you have no soul.
Whoever stole my copy of Microsoft Office is in big trouble. You have my Word.
*tattoo parlor*
ARTIST: What do you want?
ME: Surprise me
*He tattoos the word ‘hiccup’*
ME: Why did y-
ARTIST: BOO!
*the tattoo disappears*
#rubbishjokes
What’s black and white and makes a lot of noise?A panda with a set of drums.
My son thinks he’s studying for his math competition. What he doesn’t know is that I’m just asking him all these questions until our checkbook is balanced.
Forget hobbies and and interests, dating apps should require people to share their Amazon order histories.