I love the new #ObiWanKenobi poster but I also realized it totally works as a Tums ad.
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[at the gym]
wheat: *flexing* you like what you see babe?
*shredded wheat walks by*
wheat: SONOFA
What idiot called it “The Nightmare Before Christmas” and not “A Nightmare on Elf Street?”
Hello darkness, my old friend. It’s time to eat all the carbs again
pirate: walk the plank
someone’s dad: is this teak?
{commercial for Hallmark}
This Valentine’s Day, get her that piece of paper she always wanted with words on it.
Yes I delete tweets when they don’t live up to my expectations.
Just be glad I don’t have kids.
The secret to my impressive dance moves? Spider webs.
Her: So when you said you were going to make me happy using just your mouth…
Me: *putting down microphone* BEATBOXING IS A GIFT SARAH
Even the stick figure woman on my wife’s back window has a headache.
Catercrombie & Fish
CAR SALESMAN: Check out the reclining seats.
ME: Oh this baby is gonna get some action *winks*
[Cut to me asleep in car on my lunch break]
We’re intellectual opposites.
You’re intellectual and I’m opposite.
Grocery shopping in 2004: Clip coupons out of Sunday newspaper to use at checkout.
Grocery shopping in 2024: Clip digital coupons, download the app, scan QR code, enter rewards member number, password and the FBI nuclear launch codes at self-checkout to save 50 cents on bananas.
My “Mum” says I need to learn how to use quotation marks.
Psychic: Bruce Willis was dead the entire time! I did not see that coming at all.
Me: I’d like my money back.
“I love you.”
“I love you, two.”
Because multiple personality disorder.
“Does my uniform make me look fat?” -Insecurity guard
*cuts down perfect Xmas tree*
Me: What do you think kids?
Kids: Yay!!!!!
Wife: It’s beautifulNeighbor: …what are you guys doing in my yard?
Remember that time you found out your crush felt the same way? It’s kinda like that, but it’s just me discovering there are still Pringles in this can.
Sorry for loudly singing “Whoomp there it is!” when you took your pants off. It’s been a while.
If I fall of this roof cause I’m tweeting, you fuckers have to come and take turns spoon feeding me mash in hospital.
[roulette]
ME: [slaps table] 50 on red
CROUPIER: Sir that is 50 pictures of Celine Dion
ME: Yes and if I win [grabs him] you owe me 50 more
[being chased through the woods by a murderer]
Me: I CAN’T BELIEVE THIS IS HAPPENINGMurderer: What?
Me *showing him my Fitbit* I’ve done 10,000 steps
Murderer: omg lemme check mine
There is a famous person next to me at this coffee shop. You can tell he’s waiting for me to say something. Not gonna happen. Not gonna give him the time of day. Just going to sit here and continue making machine gun noises with my mouth
got kicked out of another gang for bringing spinach casserole to the trap house
Me: finally drifting off to sleep
The alarm: you’re not gonna believe this
Them: Do any vampires die in this movie?
Me: No it’s pretty low stakes.
Me: yeah I have a girlfriend, but she lives in a different country
Friend: what country
Me: um… Iceland
Friend: what’s her name
Me:
Friend:
Me: um… Coldy
Was just called down to Human Resources.
Apparently replying “Unsubscribe” to every email I get is frowned upon.