Two crows fall in love, move in together, start a family.
The perfect murder.
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Parenthood is stepping in something wet in your socks.
If you drop your voice half an octave, you can literally say anything and at least one man will find it sexy.
Try it…”Bluetooth connected”
Bull: I want to show you my leather saddle
Cow: Can you not?
-50 Shades of Graze
If a tree falls on your ex in the woods and no one’s around to hear it, you should probably still get rid of the chainsaw.
I’m just saying, if an oven can clean itself, why can’t a microwave?
[first date]
her: what did you study in college
me: (wearing ski mask) burgling
All of my best ideas involve jail time.
Bobby pin
Realizing I’m at the age that ppl say “he started at age ___ and still became a success”
*coworker drinks coffee I made them*
Me: I poisoned your coffee…
Coworker: WHAT?
Me:…with love!
Coworker: oh haha
me: The love for murder
You have to love a boss with a sense of humor. Mine just sent me a 7am meeting notice on Outlook and I’ve never laughed so hard…
Roses are red
Violets are blue
Bad boys bad boys
Whatchagonnadoo
[proudly displaying macaroni art on my refrigerator]
“No, I don’t have any children. Why do you ask?”
If any of my neighbors end up being serial killers, I can tell you one thing for sure: When I’m interviewed by the local news, I’m not going to say, “He was so quiet and kept to himself. I never would’ve suspected him.” I’ll be like, “People are garbage, so I’m not surprised.”
*accidentally bites into a wax fruit*
*keeps eating to save face*
Me:*spends 4hrs comparing gift prices on several sites to save $4*
Also Me: *spends $33 on pizza because I shopped too long to cook $6 chicken*
In an effort to drink more water, I started taking a sip of water every time one of my kids yells MOM. So far I’m at 7 gallons.
I’m the master at playing ‘The floor is lava’
*Lies on the couch*
trying to cheat on my philosophy final by texting my friend who took it last year: “hey man, how ought one to live”
Sorry the edible underwear weren’t edible anymore by the time you tried to eat them. It was a long drive to your apartment.
me on ellen
ellen: so i hear you’re a big fan of being on ellen
me: yeah
*i walk onto stage, to see me on ellen’s show, who sees me walking onto ellen’s show*
both me’s: oh-oh my-my god-god you-you didnt-didnt
Merry Christmas. The three wise men.
Every time I have sex I hear sitcom laughter in my head
My partner is a nurse and I met her at a hospital I visited to fix a broken nose. I told her I broke my nose during a fight protecting my best friend. In reality though, I had gone out for a jog and decided to close my eyes for 10 seconds and ran face first into a tree.
It’s so rude how nobody has fallen madly in love with me today
Natty or not?
My mom said I have a cousin twice removed and now I’m wondering how you can screw up so badly you get disowned two times.
Octopuses are amazing in that they can squeeze into really tight spaces to hide.
But when I do it, NO ONE is amazed. All I hear is, “Play with us!” from my kids and “STOP hiding under the bed from our kids, YOU ARE NOT an octopus!” from my wife.
[Sigh]
the answer was staring at me all along