*checks my phone to see what time it is*
[1 minute later]
*checks my phone to see what time it is cause I wasn’t paying attention*[2 minutes later]
*checks my phone to see what time it is…*
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me: *leaving the bathroom* trust me you do not want to go in there
friend: that bad huh
me: you have no idea
[earlier in the bathroom]
man in the corner: *throwing pennies*
me: please *ow* stop *ow* throwing *ow* pennies *ow* at *ow* me
*kid sits down*
Sorting Hat: HUFFLEPUFF*another kid*
Sorting Hat: GRYFFINDOR*me*
Sorting Hat: THERAPY
Me: 46 and out of shape
Also me: Looks around for NBA scouts any time I make a basket
In my previous life I was a gorgeous philosopher named Mediocrates
Florida be like…
All I’m saying is “curb side pickup” meant something different when I was growing up.
When I’d go to church as a kid I’d always wonder why there were so many seats reserved for Usher
*opens my lunch of hard boiled eggs, pickles and kombucha *
Why does everyone on this bus hate me?
mark zuckerberg is so rich that if he gets hit in the face with a cream pie, it is not worth his time to clean it off. he just walks around like that all day
I’m not sure what a Doja Cat is but sadly I’ve learned it’s not a place for your cats to practice their karate moves
Money doesn’t grow on trees. Your move, multinational agricultural biotechnology corporations.
I tried using that face app which makes people look old, and apparently it’s called a mirror.
Asking people if they’ve started watching that show I recommended so they stop messaging me when I’m not in the mood to chat.
I’m not saying I don’t love it when my 5yo asks for a hug, I just wish she didn’t always wait until she’s mid-poop to ask.
Me: my fitbit broke
Sales Guy: how
Me: i put it on my dog’s tail and asked him who’s a good boy
Sales Guy: if i give you a new one can i see
There are risks you take when camping: severe weather, wild animals, someone bringing an acoustic guitar
Nothing freaks out people like unblinking eye contact in a public restroom.
Especially when you do it from underneath the stall divider.
Pink has done surprisingly well as a solo artist ever since her and Floyd split up.
I wonder how many of these NSA agents have a crush on me.
Sometimes when my boyfriend and I aren’t speaking, we have the dog deliver notes to each other
I just got a message from the dog asking where the good mustard is
I don’t really WANT to make bad choices; but I got here late and all the good choices were already taken.
carpooler: what’d you think “beat the traffic” meant?
ryu from streetfighter: I don’t wanna talk about it
[interview]
BOSS: How many words can you type a minute?
ME: Probably all of them
BOSS: What do you mean?
ME: Well, like for example, pickle
My wife yelled out in the hallway, there’s a severe thunderstorm warning now …. I could barely hear her way back in this closet with my cat.
Sorry, I called you by accident. I was actually just trying to delete your number from my phone.
I have never been more inspired by anything than this work of art
[Séance]
*knock, knock*
ME: Wh-who’s there?
[ouija board spells out A-T-C-H]
ME: atch who?
[spells out B-L-E-S-S-Y-O-U]
ME: Dammit, Grandpa!
Him: I’m so high right now…no one has ever been so high
Me: oh yeah? *whips out a photo of my hair circa 1989*
Shoot for the moon. Even if you miss, you’ll land among the other losers who missed a 15 million square mile target.
The school asked my wife to stop me driving with the kids in the car as their teachers are tired of explaining that the things I yell at other road users aren’t biologically or physically possible.