Cop: Pull over
Me: you cold bro?
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‘A 12 year old invented an app….No pressure though.’
(Me to my kids)
Yes, I have an hourglass figure, as long as the hour was spent speed-eating Hobnobs at a competitive level.
I think people who “like” bloody Mary’s are lying
Cold vodka tomato soup? Let’s be serious
Wanna feel old? This is Calvin and Hobbes now
Welcome to the stomach
her: there’s a huge spider in the kitchen
me: I’ll take care of it[2 minutes later]
her: is it done?
me: yah, house goes up for sale tomorrow
day 1 of quarantine: Today I will write the great American novel
day 32 of quarantine: Today I will marry my parakeet to my other parakeet
My friends are talking about going to a club after dinner and drinks and while I know the time goes back tonight I didn’t realize it was going back to 2004
“What do you get if you cross a monkey and a lion?”
I glance nervously over to the basement door, afraid she’s seen something she shouldn’t.
“You gotta try the lobs-”
– I’ll should tell you…
“Yes?”
– We’re not having sex.
“OK.”
– What were you saying?
“The chicken here’s great.”
The universe contains protons,neutrons,electrons and morons.
The old lady ringing me up at the store got frustrated w/ the barcode on my cheese not working so she just gave it to me for free…she is now sole beneficiary of my Will
Christian politicians hate science because they think it’s always talking about two Adams bonding
You had me at “define legal”.
the most important thing i learned from kermit the frog is that you can have a pretty good life without ever putting on pants
DATE: gonna grab my jacket and brb. you look great by the way
ME (whispering to my suit made of chameleons): hell yeah keep it up you guys
And in other news, a unicorn attack leaves 12 dead, 42 injured, 6 pretty rainbows
being bisexual means i’m attracted to women AND keanu reeves.
9: I don’t get why that words with friends game mom plays is fun
13: it’s only fun because she’s old
these physical therapy memes r ruthless bro
It’s settled. I’m measuring everything in comparison to the size of an American alligator.
No I’ve never had a tumor removed, but I did uninstall facebook
Left
Right
Left
Left-er
Quick right
Squeee!
Left
Up
Down
Left
Right
Squeee!
Right
Up– squirrels
Brain: stop eating!
Me: why
B: you’ll get fat
M: so?
B: there’s only enough vodka to catch a buzz on an empty stomach!
M: oh *stops eating*
“Is that on Netflix?” I ask, with no intention of ever watching it
I’m implementing a new policy in my house: any child who is awake past bedtime can either go to sleep or clean the oven, no exceptions
contractor: I finished installing the secret entrances, death ray, and crocodile moat. all that is left is the payment
super villain: no
contractor: right, should’ve seen that coming
Dear Jesus- please let all my texts go to the correct person- Amen
Nothing refreshes my memory of what I need at the grocery store like coming home from the grocery store.
Hi, I’m your car’s radio. I’ll be playing terrible music during your trip, but once you get out of the car I’ll play your favorite song.