* Dalai Lama goes on killing spree after listening to my coworker eat soup *
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Cryptocurrency, but it’s just dead people buying stuff.
Do you think the rattlesnake is ever embarrassed that he has a stupid baby toy at the end of his string body
Photosynthesis is the process used by plants to convert a picture into a thousand words
4: okay, I will be Mario and you will be the goomba–
Husband: NO, no, you’re not jumping on my head.
4: *sigh* kay…
Producer: ok the writer strike is done. Any new fresh ideas?
Writer: Mission Impossible 9!
Producer: BRILLIANT!
people always love to claim that a celebrity’s death is “unexpected” but they never actually release the data on which celebrities they expected to die that day
So we’re agreed: if that balloon flies over any of us, we moon it like it’s 1978
You can tell A LOT about a Woman’s mood just by looking at her hands…
…for example…If she’s holding a gun? She’s probably pissed.
I will raise my son to treat your daughters like spoiled princesses, but only if you don’t raise your daughters to think they are. Deal?
*Turns on work computer*
*Enters Username and Passwords for 43 various programmes and immediately locks computer as it’s now lunchtime*
*Logs back into computer. Enters Username and Passwords for 43 various programmes and immediately closes down computer as it’s time to go*
[eating chicken]
farmer: YOU AGAIN
murderer: I’m going to bury you alive
me: ok, I thought you were going to kill me
Worried that one day pillows will take over and start making forts out of us.
I scare off men like I’m some kind of evil clown hiding in their closet.
“I’m not a clown!” I shouted as I sniffed his sweater vest.
*Hums Every Breath You Take in grocery line
*Gets arrested for stalking 3 people
Why do I never crave carrots or broccoli at midnight? Why is it always some unhealthy shit like Taco Bell or pizza?
One time for my child’s birthday party, I accidentally sent the kids home with whistles in their goodie bags. I lost 47 friends that day.
I feel a little cheated when someone’s bio is in English but all their tweets are written in gobblety gobblety.
The loudness of the sound made by setting a plate in the sink is directly proportional to the number of sleeping people you are trying not to wake.
2016: omg, Idiocracy was a documentary
2022: omg, Idiocracy was an understatement
Her: Sure! I’d love to go out with you
Me: Noice.
Her: I just remembered I’m busy that day.
How do you ask a friend if she’s a human-reptile hybrid, but as a compliment? She never sweats and that’s for sure a third eyelid.
The judge dismissing my Monopoly get out of jail free card is why I have trust issues
Fellas, don’t feel like you can’t offer your wife cooking tips, even after she spends all day making a delicious home cooked meal. And it doesn’t hurt to throw in “That’s not how my mom used to do it”.
People like Bubba Gump Shrimp Co. How about more movie character restaurants? I have some suggestions:
Samwise’s Lord of the Wings
Tyler Durden’s Chowder House
Goose’s Gastropub (tagline: We feel the need… the need to feed!)
Short Round’s Tempura of Doom
Hannibal’s
Never forget when I saw CHILD’S PLAY (2019) at a drive in theater on a screen directly next to the one playing TOY STORY 4 and the pure horror on the kids faces when they would look over and see the toys absolute BUTCHERING people
*gets in the bus*
*Brings out earphones*
*untangles*
*arrives*
Friend: You need help?
Me: I need to write a couple letters.
Friend: OK
Me: Not those.
Capture a raccoon & an octopus. Sit them on the couch. Give them snacks. Sit between them. Turn on the TV.
Now you’re ready to have kids.
its that time of the year again, don’t forget to hang your missile toads