[Being murdered at Walmart]
Please will you dump my dead body at Target people can’t know I shopped here
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This fake stomach ache feels like I’ll be leaving work early today to go to a bar to watch the Steelers game.
[doctor presses play]
couple: maybe a different donor
Soccer moms drinking from sports bottles. You’re not fooling anyone, we know you have wine in there and you should share.
Wore my clip-on, flip-up sunglasses in my dating profile pic, because women don’t easily forget something like that.
The strangest thing happened. A coworker who always says, “Living the dream” was mysteriously stabbed 37 times in the neck with my car keys.
Dishonest mechanic?
Kid 1: Why’d u call me Aphrodite?
Me: After the Greek goddess of love
Kid 2: What about me?
Me: Well Alvin, ur named after a famous chipmunk
the worst part about getting murdered has to be meeting a new person
gotta say i disagree with this strategy by the cowboys of never gaining any positive yards but i’m no pro football coach so maybe the cowboys know something i don’t
[phone rings]
Guy: is your refrigerator running?
Me: yes my refrigerator is runn-
Fridge [grabs phone]: hello? Yeah actually I do crossfit
If I had money, my life would be pretty much the same, but my dogs would destroy much nicer shit
I won’t open the garage door because I’m afraid the cast and crew from “Hoarders” will be outside waiting.
Why do they call it “book club” and not “no one had time to read it but we’re still gonna get together and drink club”
I love Buzzfeed because all the headlines are something a drunk girl would say right before passing out. “Um did you know corgis can wink??”
waiter: would you like anything else ma’am?
me: yes please, a box for the leftovers that I will most definitely leave here on the table.
Oh no
The first rule of Oedipus Club: mum’s the word.
I like when players of opposite teams hug after the game as if to say, “We’re all so very, very rich.”
my grandma has declared she is “93 and over it” and no one has the heart to tell her she is actually 102
My daughter just asked me if Cinderella’s shoe is such a perfect fit then why did it fall off so I enrolled her in the task force.
[hears baby crying]
Wife: can you go check on him
Me: there’s no way he’s finished in the bath already
100% of all marriages end with an ‘s’
*rubs lamp/genie appears*
*makes me listen to ads before each wish*
I trapped a ghost in my cooler to keep my beer cold.
the last time i went hiking i almost passed out from holding my breath as i passed a group of much more fit hikers so they wouldn’t hear how i was truly fighting for my life walking up the hill at the beginning of the trail.
R.I.P.
Her: If you look up immature in the dictionary you’ll see a picture of yourself!
Me: Oh I’m immature? I’m not the one with pictures in my dictionary Karen!
it’s only anxiety if it comes from the anxious region of the brain otherwise it’s just sparkling nervousness
My high-school wrestling coach called me “the raccoon” cause I was small but feisty and ate garbage and gave people lyme disease
My son rolls his eyes when I use his lingo and that’s why I continue to do so.