Trying to eat the recommended eight cups of chicken burrito bowl a day. I’ve already noticed my sleep is better, less aches and pains etc.
You Might Also Like
Leaflet through the door telling me I can enjoy sex at 75. Which is handy, because I live at number 81.
Interviewer: Why do you want to work in customer service?
Me: Well, I’m really good at apologizing for things that aren’t my fault
Day 3 of my thirty minute DIY project
yeah i got a gym membership. its called life. watch me lift this big ass rock. now im gonna do 20 reps of pretending im a beautiful bird
When a millenial asks why everyone in old photos have red eyes I tell them they were too young to remember the great demon uprising of the 1980s.
4: I’M GONNA RIP YOUR EYEBALLS OUT
Me: Stop yelling violent things
4: *whispers* I’m gonna rip your eyeballs out
‘Twas the day before Lent, and when it was done, not a creature was sober, not even a nun.
Wow I ordered too much food.
Here, you can have half of it.*5 minutes later*
Okay I’m gonna need that back
*dances with wolves
*wolf asks to be my man
*I become bae o’ wolf
GUY ABOUT TO MURDER ME: What are you doing
ME: I’m naming you godfather to my kids. Now you get them if anything happens to me
GUY: DAMMIT
waiter: do you need a minute to look over the menu?
me, researched it online: yes please
The booster protects against what, now?
Me: I’ve finally finished that jigsaw puzzle!
Her: YOU DRUNK! It took you 6 months!
Me: On the box it said 2 to 4 years!
“I dunno, maybe you go steal an old lady’s purse, you can hold up a liquor store, & you…just sit there looking mean.”
-Unorganized Crime
“sorry you are currently offline” is my new go-to response when my family wants something
I cut the size tags out of my clothes because I disagree.
Me: Honey if you ever murder me please do it in a cool way so we get our own Dateline special
Husband: Deal
Was reminded yesterday that this exists so I’m dusting it off
justin timberlake: lose the “the.” just “facebook.” it’s cleaner
mark zuckerberg: wow. yeah
me: [bought the domain name “ back in 1997 and have been looking for my opening ever seen]: or what if we called it yogurt dot com
If you live in denial of your emotions, it will take far longer to take care of them, because once we recognize what we’re feeling, we can tackle it or whatever is causing it.
📸: @blessingmanifesting
#positivemind #dailymotivation #keepmovingforward #personalgrowth
Welcome to your 50s, your joints are now meteorologists.
My goal was to have $10,000 saved by the end of 2022. I’m already at $8.32.
[god inventing cows]
angels: why?
god: cheese
angels: *nodding* cheese
HUMAN BEING: You won’t touch the salad I made, but you just ate 2 stray cats and a whole koi pond! I thought you said you were vegan!
ALIEN, from planet Vega 3: Yes, that’s right.
Friend: What was the hardest part of learning to pay the kazoo?
Me *thinking about it* probably when Amy left
ME: The irony is it’d be harder to identify the Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles if they didn’t wear masks
MAN AT URINAL: I didn’t say anything
“these edibles aint shit”
me 45 minutes later:
The older you get the only functions you attend are bodily..
Texting while driving is incredibly stupid and dangerous. You’re practically begging for typos.