I hate when I show up to a funeral and another guy is wearing the same hot dog costume.
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got kicked out of family thanksgiving again for saying “mm that’s fergalicious” after every bite
How many babies got thrown out with the bathwater before they invented that saying?
[First Date]
Her: I’m instantaneously attracted to men with power.
Me: Nice. I just paid my electric bill.
[Weasel & mink are cuddling, watching a nature documentary]
Narrator: …the mink, a close relative of the weasel
Weasel: Oh no Susan oh god
Friend: Whatcha up to?
Me: Just chewing my toenails.
Friend: Gross! But congrats on the flexibility.
Me: *reaching into bowl* Flexibility?
orange in the 60s, mus in the 70s, poon in the 80s, wu in the 90s. – the history of tang
I just walked up three flights of stairs really fast, so if anyone needs me, I’ll be dead at the top of the stairwell.
true friends will unglue your lips from your leg when DIY waxing goes terribly wrong
Just saw a man wearing a pager. Apparently, he’s expecting a very important call from someone in 1994.
Ok. Seriously, stop feeding the gulls.
Got the trays mixed up after dinner at a Chinese place. Ate the check & paid a fortune.
I never take my glasses off unless I’m sleeping or in the shower or sleeping in the shower
me: I’ve got a date tonight and I need all the help I can get
barber: ok
[later]
her: you look nicebarber, from under the table: tell her she looks nice too
My 4yo brought his Woody doll to the store and was swinging it around. I told him loudly to stop hitting people with his Woody. Parenting.
Dean Martin: When the moon hits your eye like a big pizza pie
Neil deGrasse Tyson: I don’t even know where to begin with this
Her: I need advice.
Me: (eating cookie dough for breakfast) You came to the right person.
4: Did you just shower?? Your hair looks so pretty!
Me: Awwww, thank y—
4: It looks like a bug
Me:
I’m like …if parking too far away from the curb was a person.
What if all your muscles can taste but your tongue is the only one you usually put food on
Who is that walking up my driveway?!
Anxiety in 3…2…1…
[knock, knock]
*sigh*
“WAIT A SECOND!” *mumbles* “I need to find pants.”
Never feel like you’re too small to make a difference. After all, a tiny raisin has the ability to RUIN EVERYTHING ITS BAKED IN.
My son kicked his soccer ball in to a rosebush & now I look like I got between Chester Cheetah & Tony the Tiger at a coke party.
if u propose to your partner at my wedding i am shooting you with a gun
A possum broke into an Australian bakery and ate so many pastries it couldn’t move. This is how they found him.
“You got any plans tonight?”
Me: Yeah, sorry I do
The plans:
You’re not bald my friend. You are just taller than your hair.
I miss payphones. Sometimes you just wanna say hello to someone and also get hepatitis.
{After Eclipse}
Kid: Now can I stare at the sun?
Someone asked me why I was wearing a fake AirPod… bro that’s my hearing aid
when you lie on your résumé about your qualifications and then show up day 1