My wife just pulled me into the other room and I thought she wanted to have a serious talk but she just wanted to give me m&m’s without the kids seeing.
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Day 6 of Quarantine: C-Section went smooth. The Cuties are in great shape and mother is recovering
I’m never quite sure when to lean in for a kiss after a job interview.
Whoever invented brooms, good job. I love your work. Use them all the time.
Whoever said your harshest critic is yourself never had an 11 yr old daughter
*brings laser pointer to the “Cats” movie*
The door is closed? I want in. The door is open? I want out. Actually I just want to sit in the door frame itself. – Pets
Me: I’m very observant
Also me: *pulls away from drive thru without order*
Angel: so what are these?
God: these are the vegetables. They contain lots of nutrients and vitamins the humans will need
Angel: wow this one tastes amazing and you can do so much with it
God: that’s a potato
Angel: it must be really good for you then
God: lol…no
I asked my friend if he wanted a drink and he said to surprise him so I brought back a side salad.
Me trying to match all my Tupperware with the correct lids is how I imagine it was for the prince trying to find Cinderella by making every woman in the land try on a shoe.
But with a hell of a lot more swearing.
my landlord is angry because I put an entire suit of armor down the laundry chute again
If Tetris has taught me anything it’s that errors pile up and accomplishments disappear.
Gramma: When I was your age, a candy bar was a nickel
Me: That sounds really hard to swallow
*The Proclaimers put on a Fitbit
Fitbit: Awww, Hell No!!!
My “Not involved in human trafficking” T-shirt has people asking a lot of questions already answered by my shirt.
I walked into a pub with my wife..
The Bartender asked: Would you like a drink for your wife?
I said That sounds like a fair swap
If you put on a really cute outfit you can walk around a nightclub selling people drinks that you find on tables.
I’m at my most cat-like when I’m starting a roll of toilet paper.
We made fun of recipe bloggers for including stories but now online recipes are actual hell. It used to be a cute story about a trip to Italy but now you have to search through “17 techniques for chopping garlic” and “8 tools you could use for garlic chopping (Amazon links included)” and 12 ads to MAYBE find the recipe.
I can’t believe I actually married the right person this time.
I really hope someone makes a movie about a time traveler that keeps going to 2020 to fix it but makes it worse each time
6: *Being particularly affectionate at bedtime*. Mommy, do you want a back massage?
Me: Sure, buddy! My back is sore. That would be nice.
6: Maybe because you’re getting old, mommy.
In case you needed a reminder about how brutally honest kids can be.
It’s October which means it’s basically Halloween which means Thanksgiving is right around the corner which means it’s pretty much Christmas so Happy New Year everyone.
[Harry Potter runs and smashes face into brick wall]
Sign: “PLATFORM 9 3/4 CLOSED DUE TO COVID-19”
It’s funny how Twitter dropped the egg avi and now people are using apps to smooth out their faces so much, they all look like eggs.
Guy: Must be hard being named after the hay Jesus was born on
Christian Bale: What?
Stephen is a much nicer name than “hen from a previous marriage.”
It’s been a while since you last tweeted about how much you hate it when someone microwaves fish at work. Are you ok?
Wow my pants are really loose today
*skips to the nearest vending machine*
‘It’s nice & thick…you’ll have to suck pretty hard.’
– Why I lost my job at the ice cream parlor.