My 12yo threatened to defenestrate me and I told him he’s ‘maybe in so much trouble’ and to ‘hold it right there mister’ while I Googled. Like a boss.
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MARRIED WHITE FEMALE in search of someone to remove holiday cookies and treats from her hands. Must be of strong constitution.
“You know who needs more attention? Celebrities. Maybe we could give them trophies or something.” Good idea, Oscar. What’d you have in mind?
[at the gym]
wheat: *flexing* you like what you see babe?
*shredded wheat walks by*
wheat: SONOFA
BRITISH COMPANY: *gives free estimates*
AMERICAN COMPANY: *gives free estifriends*
If I had to give up one of my senses what would I pick? My sense of impending doom, I guess.
Whenever my wiener dog misbehaves I glare at her threateningly while eating sausages
Chicken salad with egg in it is my fave way to eat two generations.
Canadians are so nice and polite bc they made a pact with Satan to have all their hate stored in the geese
If self driving cars are the thing of the future could you imagine how that’s going to change the repossession game? Imagine missing a payment and your Subaru just starts backing itself down the driveway.
I truly don’t get the people that say the only thing they wish for their ex (s) is for them to be happy, even if it’s not with you
I’m over here secretly wishing mine would combust
This forest scent air freshener is really working. Three elk have moved into my living room.
my beach body is like my amazon package: delayed indefinitely
A fun thing to do is sit on the couch with black buttons over your eyes while your kids watch Coraline, then wait for them to notice.
There’s no “i” in team. Unless you’re illiterate. Then there’s an “i” in everything. More creim in mi cofii pleis
Can’t. Doing hot girl shit.
*decapitates lemon gummy bears with glistening incisors
M:$50 on the ginger with face tattoos
H: Ma’am those aren’t tattoos, they’re freckles and you can’t bet on a 6th grade spelling bee
When Squidward and Donald Duck do it, it’s “adorable” but when I go outside without pants, it’s “misdemeanor indecent exposure” DOUBLE STANDARD
Confession: My dad is a Pastor & I play the piano at church when I’m home. I religiously play R&B songs during portions of the service to see who notices. I’ve been playing “Between the sheets” by the Isley Brothers for almost 6 months and today my mom finally noticed.
Me: can I get a Coke please
Waiter: we only serve Pepsi here
Me: how about a lemonade then
Waiter: sir… we only serve Pepsi here
[cut to guy at the next table eating a plate of Pepsi]
I caught my insane ex going through my garbage, but I guess that’s what I get for dating a raccoon.
[At auto store]
Employee: How can we get you to walk out of here with 4 tires?
“Sir, you are wildly overestimating my strength.”
FLIGHT ATTENDANT: Ma’am you can’t take that on the plane
ME: This is my therapy ham
Human *builds first house*
House fly: finally
“Dad, lil bro pooped on the floor!”
Me: Ok, just like we practiced. I’ll hide in garage, you go tell Mommy. This convo never happened! GO!
Me: want a grilled cheese?
6yo: no. How about a cheeseburger without the meat.
Me: you got it.
cop: you’re so busted
me: thanks. I just had them done
they said marry your best friend but then got all weird when I proposed to my dog pick a lane
5: let’s play the quiet game.
Me: Okay
5: ready..? Start.
Me:
5:
Me:
5: whoever talks first is the loser.
Starting my diet and training tomorrow; hope I can count on your support and prayers that I die in my sleep. Please RT.