Bean bag chairs are venus fly traps for anyone over 35.
You Might Also Like
I wonder if Scarlett Johansson ever fantasizes about fat comic book nerds, or is that just a one-way street?
Promises so empty, you thought it was your bank account
Hair color is camouflage. When it turns white, nature’s saying, “this one’s done; go ahead and eat him.”
If you’re wondering how lazy I am today, I just pulled a chair up to the fridge.
If the covid vaccine is implanting trackers in us then that just means when I get lost in an ikea then they can send in a rescue team
“I think I stepped in some upchuck”
What’s up, Chuck?
“Not much, but my name’s not Chuck”
*vomits*
jane austen understood that nothing is sexier than standing seven feet away from someone, making brief eye contact, and then going home
a talented computer hacker can bring down any man, no matter how rich or powerful, by smashing him over the head with a brick
Dear Ad Agencies,
Please stop using doorbells in your TV commercials.
On behalf of dog owners everywhere,
Thanks!
My husband accidentally locked himself out of the house, and I didn’t hear him knocking until I finished eating the rest of his cheesecake. So weird.
A horror movie but the killer wears flip flops so there’s an ominous “thwip thwip” sound as he hunts you down.
If you can talk really fast you have some options in life: Become an auctioneer or list the side effects of drugs at the end of commercials.
I think airplanes would be way cooler if the wings flapped like a bird
Something our American friends may not know about us Canadians: all 38 million of us know each other
I even pretend not to be home for a knock-knock joke
Statistics show that the average person has sex 89 times a year….looks like I’m in for a flipping wild December
penguins are just ducks going to a wedding
I’m ready for the kind of love that sweeps you off your feet ❤️🖕❤️
AC changed “self-love” to “seldom love.” So my phone and I are now in couples therapy.
Wife: *looking through my yearbook* you have the exact same haircut
Me: well I use a bigger bowl now
my diet starts tomorrow as it has every monday, and will continue to do so, indefinitely
me: THAT’S IT YOU’RE GROUNDED
son: [shrugs]
me: U LOSE UR PHONE
son: ok
me: AND UR COMPUTER
son: whatever
me: AND…AND…
son: [smirks]
me: NO GRAVITY FOR A WEEK
son: wait, no- [smacks into ceiling]
Meeting a blind date at Starbucks. She said shell be wearing Uggs, a NorthFace Jacket, and yoga pants. I got her narrowed down to 47 girls.
I know I sound like a broken record but tomorrow I’ll sound like a misfiring engine and, next week, continuous loud television static.
I always forget that Justin Bieber is Canadian, and then I remember that one of his biggest hits was called “Sorry”.
You could date someone willing to catch a grenade for you I guess that’s cool but how about someone who always carries a tennis racket, wouldn’t that be a bit smarter?
Construction worker: *whistles* Damn girl, you always move like that?
Me: [crab walking] yes, I’m a Cancer
It’s been six years since my job interview.
I’m beginning to suspect they chose someone else.
The indescribable pain of having a client read off the options they see under “Settings.”