They say “do something today that makes the world a better place”…….so I’m getting drunk.
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Alhumdulillah my country is full of talent
I’m half potato on my dad’s side
Whenever I see a hot girl on the streets I’m like HOLY CRAP I’M OUTSIDE.
Current life status – By the time I figure out what nostril is plugged, it jumps to the other side.
HOW TO ROB A BANK: (1) Walk in and start talking about your study abroad experience. (2) Everyone’s asleep now. Grab the money.
Do girls imagine themselves sucking in a invisible spaghetti when they’re about to take a picture?
“I bought the biggest watermelon in the store!” —The person not cutting up the watermelon.
5: this one time i slept in till like 7am!
Me: *holding back tears* I remember
Mother in law said if she was married to me, she’d poison my wine. I said if I was married to her, I’d drink it.
[Breakup]
Her: We’re just different
Him: How?
Her: Well, you want to hike & camp
Him: And?
Her: And I want to be a cartoon on the internet
My superpower is destroying the neighbors living room from 100 yards with nothing but her cat and my laser pointer.
best comment I’ve heard when I tell people I’m sober is “eating too much is WAY worse than drinking too much,” but I’ve never known anyone who got a concussion or chlamydia after too many McNuggets
it’s date night again and the other dried fruits are miffed
I’ve been interrogating this dog for hours and he still won’t tell me who’s a good boy.
I’m the kindest, sweetest person you’ll ever meet. However, if someone was having a seizure in my bathtub, I’d probably throw in my laundry.
Things books give you unrealistic expectations for:
-mysteriously inheriting from a stranger
-solving murders with zero actual training
-anything romantic ever
Taking inventory at a granite warehouse is counter productive.
Wearing shirts of bands you don’t listen to is like refusing to eat the cupcake, but cool walking around with frosting all over your face.
UNZIP – ZIP
UNZIP – ZIP
UNZIP – ZIP
UNZIP – ZIP
UNZIP – ZIP
UNZIP – ZIP
UNZIP – ZIP*looking for condom in my “Beat It” zipper jacket*
I’m smart but not “figure out how to turn off all the lights in this hotel room” smart
I found my 6yo at the dining room table drawing a picture.
Me: “What are you drawing?”
6yo: “I’m making something for my sister.”
Me: “Awww, you are? That’s so nice. What is it?”
6yo: “A sign that says DON’T TOUCH MY STUFF.”
I figured it was too good to be true.
“Thanks for the homemade wine. If going blind had a flavour, this would be it.”
* why I’m not allowed to write thank you cards anymore.
Potato chips ARE vegetables! I exclaim as I tear open the third bag
DATING TIP: pull out her chair at dinner & whisper “that’s not the only thing I’ll be pulling out” then pull out her napkin like a gentleman
an ear doctor’s practice called “hear, here” somebody write that down
You only pronounce the ugh in doughnut when it’s so, so, good. That’s why American doughnuts are spelled like donut.
Me: I need to know where you are at all times. If you go somewhere new, text me. Understand?
Taco truck driver: Okay.
Sorry random child at the playground that my daughter just invited to her birthday party 4 months from now. It’s never going to happen.
Saw my son pretending to pole vault with a curtain rod. It took me a good 10 mins to realize it meant there were curtains down somewhere.
The scary thing about helping my kid with her sixth grade homework is that even though it was a long time ago I don’t remember being as bad as I am now at sixth grade.