I’m not an asshole. I’m just a guy who won’t tolerate stupidity unless it’s coming out of the mouth of a naked woman.
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Me, in my bathroom looking at a medication that was made by a company that went out of business in 2007: I can find a use for this.
Who needs human contact when you can just cuddle a pile of clothes fresh out of the dryer
me: you’re only giving me this job because i’m your husband, this is nepotism
wife: shut up and take the trash out
In Russia, Vladimir Putin has said that the killers of Nemtsov “will be ruthlessly hunted down.”
He added, “It’s cheaper than paying them”
As a child, ‘The Jetsons’ gave me unrealistic expectations for the future: like having a wife who loves me & owning a dog.
[therapy]
WIFE: he favors our son over our daughter
ME: No way, I love whatsherface just as much as I love Johnny
Who knew!
if babies “fix everything” then why can’t they hold power tools
I’m never asking a man to buy me tampons again
Cellphones have two brightness settings: “dim” and “the messiah is back”
I love the smell of relapse in the morning
He kept asking to see “more” of me but for some reason my colonoscopy results were “too much”
Foh
My biggest skydiving fear is that the person strapped to my back will try to talk to me
Me when the batteries in my tv remote die: I must replace you instantly
Me when the batteries in my smoke alarm die: how do I disable this useless piece of shit
why is there Head & Shoulders shampoo. who has hair on their shoulders. whos shampooing their shoulder hair. please come forward
I’m sorry that I’m canceling plans.
I made them last week when I assumed that, by now, I’d be a different person.
Getting arrested must suck! Not only do you get arrested, you have to make a phone call!!
Dear check writer in front of me,
I am trying to remember this is how my grandmother would have paid and I would punch anyone who judged my grandma. You are making this harder.
Cartoons taught me that if you got a bucket rammed onto your head, when you got it off, your head would be shaped like the bucket. Well after this morning I can tell you, that is a total lie
Here’s a common scam that is going around that you should know about:
Sometimes cats will meow at you like they haven’t been fed, but in fact someone DID feed them and they’re just trying to get fed again
drake: twenni one, can you do something for meee
21 savage emerging from his pokeball: twenty one
If I was Juliet I would of said something more like this: Romeo , Romeo! Wherefore art my pizza, Romeo!?
exec: i have a new band that’s going to tear up the charts
ceo: what’s the name
exec: duran duran duran
ceo: that’s way too many durans
exec: we can cut it down to just duran, sir
ceo: hmm now i’m worried that’s not enough durans
exec: i have an excellent idea then, sir
*fakes headache to get out of work*
*updates resume with “proficient at adapting previously learned skills to new tasks”*
The Mastodon crowd doesn’t care for me much. Pretty sure it’s my cologne.
I hate it when I’m by the window and make eye contact with someone outside, so I understand why this lady is shocked to see me up a tree.
Being iced in for 2 days gave me the opportunity to get so much housework done!
I didn’t do any of it.
But I certainly had the opportunity.
I’ve started using Shrek as a unit of time, where 1 shrek = 1hr 35min (the length of the movie)
Examples:
“See you in a shrek!” (1hr 35min)
“Dinner will be ready in half a shrek.” (47.5min)
“My birthday is only 469.9 shreks away!” (1 month)
ENTER PASSWORD
> bench85
PASSWORD TOO WEAK. TRY AGAIN.
> bench285
BRO!