animals really be single moms of 6-8 just holding it down daily like girl what
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Went for a run and now I have to find a way to trade my body in for scrap
This coyote won’t let me get close enough to put a sweater on him.
I don’t have friends with ugly babies mostly because I believe in honesty
My 5yo’s Kindergarten teacher put me in charge of the painting center so she really shouldn’t be surprised to find out I blew up her car.
me: i feel like im being singled out because im the oldest person in this karate class and im winning all my matches
them: this is a daycare and you are under arrest
My kid : mum lets buy something we can play together – skipping rope?
Me *buys snakes and ladders board game*
My favorite thing to do at a rock and roll concert is to yell “kiss, kiss, kiss” every time the guitarists stand close together and face each other to riff
I don’t understand why people get embarrassed buying condoms. It’s much more awkward trying to return them. “She didn’t like me.”
[first date]
HER: I really like a man who notices things.
ME: [trying to impress] Your eyebrows make you look like an Angry Bird.
Husband: Did you just change from one set of pjs to another?
Me:
H:
Me:
H: …you look great
Must suck to see your ex getting married. I wouldn’t know, all mine have died in mysterious, firey car crashes.
WIFE: can’t wait until we’re old and sitting on the porch so I can tell you all my stories again because you won’t remember any of them
ME: wait… your retirement fantasy is I have dementia?
Me: *stuffing a ham into my pillow*
Wife: what are you doing
Me: it’s in case someone tries to stuff a ham into my pillow, they’ll be like “ah damn”
You have tattoos and curves?
*unbuttons pants*
You’re also batshit crazy?
*takes off pants*
You listen to Paramore?
*puts on clothes*
WARNING: Local youths are challenging passers-by to attempt the world record for how fast a person can climb the oak tree on Pinewick Road. DON’T DO IT. Once you’re up the tree, they steal your bicycle. Also, I don’t think they timed me so I don’t even know if I broke the record
An app that scans phone lines for fax machines and sends the word “why”.
Jesus said if a man strikes you, to turn the other cheek
…but the rest of the instructions are, plant foot, use your legs and throw a right hook back!!
– my Dad
[explaining why we got fat]
Friend: I had a baby
Me: I had a donut
@funTweeters Thanks so much she screams throwing glitter all over That is so cool!
Do not ask for who the bell tolls because it’s whom you monster
Friend: Sorry, I lost my voice at a baseball game last night.
me: Yikes! Remind me to never go to any baseball games.
Me: I woke up feeling super happy and confident, this is great! Nothing can go wrong.
Those Shoes That Make My Feet Smell Like Old Cheese: hey girl. wear me.
NO CONDOM FOREVER! or whatever tf black panther said
*trying to ask a girl on a date*
Me: hi, um [nervously wets lips] would you wanna go out sometime?
Her: was- was that a mop?
The smoke detectors just went off in my house and no one even looked up from their phones.
I follow so many accounts that have these amazing inspirational quotes and I’m over here like….
“I need coffee”
“Wine is my bestie”
“My kids are weird”
“Laundry sucks”So here’s my inspirational quote:
Fight like you’re the third monkey trying to get on Noah’s Ark.
*Crosses fingers*
*Fingers plan their revenge*
My garden has produced some sick beets, some smashing pumpkins and some red hot chili peppers.
We go on tour in the fall.
[me being lowered into my grave]
the grave:
please input the SMS code we texted so we can make sure it’s you
Establish dominance by ordering ribs on your date and refuse to use a napkin.