Personal trainer: Abs are made in the kitchen.
Me: so was this pie
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Windows 10 has an extremely unhelpful error message
I had sex with a girl who had the big holes in her ear lobes once
It was just once, because using them as reins isn’t cool, apparently
hostess: table or booth
termite family: we’ll have both
Life advice:
1.Never be afraid to say what’s on your mind
2.Never be afraid to do what’s on your mind
3.Don’t take life advice on Twitter
[Valentine’s Day]
me: *gets divorced*
[24 hours earlier]
me: *purchasing a heart-shaped potato* she’ll love this
6y/o: “Mom, can I brush your hair?”
Me: “Well, you don’t really brush curly hair, but…that’s fine.”
6y/o, after spending 40 minutes brushing my hair: *puts the hood of my sweatshirt over my hair* “That’s better. Just keep that on.”
Most of my exercise comes from getting up to let the cat in and out.
Owls only seem clever because they’re nocturnal. All the people you’re comparing them to are drunk.
My Grandma would be pissed if she found out how many times she’s died so I could get out of having to go somewhere.
I learned two important lessons today. I can’t remember the first lesson, but the second one is I have to start writing things down.
[first day in hell]
Me: Ugh, it’s humid here.
Satan: Muahaha!
Me: The air…it’s moist.
Satan: Ok wait. You gotta stop saying that word.
Me: The heat AND the humidity make everything feel so moist.
Satan, rubbing temples:
This IS hell.
ME: You win some, you lose some
WIFE: Where are the kids
Me: Ok kids, vacation time!!
Kids: Yay!
M: See you in a week!
*slams door*Kids: …
Alien: This is candy corn?
Me: Yeah
A: But it doesn’t look like-
Me: I know
A: And it tastes like-
Me: I know
A: So this is kinda like grape soda
Me: There ya go
Finally! 😈
“I got kicked out of a golf tournament for heckling a player with a funny name.”
“Boo Weekley?”
“No. I yelled. Loudly.”
Make sure to wash your hands before AND after you eat the rich
The great thing about Twitter is that it gives everyone a platform to be heard.
The worst thing about Twitter is that it gives everyone a platform to be heard.
For those who don’t know the difference, GRAPHIC NOVELS are COMPLETE stories, where as COMICS are people I try not to date any more.
How many husbands have I had? You mean apart from my own?
Apparently telling the cop during my sobriety test, it’s not how many times you fall, but how many times you get up was not the best answer.
When you get hired your job should have to provide first and last months rent too, just to prove they can
It appears that children’s bladders get smaller as is gets darker outside.
This scientific hypothesis has been proven by my 7 year old coming out of the bedroom to pee five times in the last hour.
“Name him Mufasa, it means “king” in Manazoto. And uh, we’ll call HIM Scar. Because his face.”
Simba’s grandparents were the real villains.
Him: What kind of idiot are you?
Me: I didn’t know I had a choice. What are the options?
HBO login: password must contain at least 8 characters, a number, an emoji, your college roommate’s maiden name, and a hieroglyph.
ATM: just any 4 numbers.
the average person eats three spiders a year, but as you’re about to find out, it takes an entire year for three spiders to eat a person
If you’re using public transport never give up your seat to an old lady…
That’s how I lost my job as a bus driver.