Is that a pineapple in your pocket, or are you just….Why do you have a pineapple in your pocket?
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I apparently said “keratin” instead of “ketamine” when discussing treatment options with my psychiatrist, so the bad news is that I remain a terminal depressive, but wow, my frizz is really well controlled.
WHY *smack* DON’T *smack* YOU *smack* JUST *smack* USE *smack* THE *smack* RETWEET *smack* BUTTON?
Starting my diet and training tomorrow; hope I can count on your support and prayers that I die in my sleep. Please RT.
Nav: ‘Take the next left turn.’
Me: ‘That’s not right.’
Nav: ‘No shit.’
people act so amazed at shroedingers cat being alive and dead at the same time as if they’ve never met someone who works customer service
God: remember when I went to the bathroom and left you alone in my office?
Lion: yes.
God: did you uh do anything while I was gone?
Lion: no why?
[Mountain Lion, Sea Lion and Lionfish peek around the corner]
God: I guess I’ll delete them then.
Lion: ThEY aRe My cHiLdREn!
[at the mall]
Me: i need to get upstairs right awaySecurity Guard: take the escalator
Me: *grabs him by the collar* i need the esca NOW
I offered my nephew a donut and he said “no thanks, I’m not hungry rn” and I don’t think this little shit knows how donuts work.
Some people don’t know the opposites to these words:
1. Always
2. Coming
3. From
4. Take
5. Me
6. Down
At this rate, I can’t wait to see what the holiday decorations look like.
Things are finally coming to a head.
~inspirational zit
My dog acts like he’s always auditioning to be my best friend. I’m like “Dude, you already got the part…you can relax.”
If I’ve ever had a crush on you, it means I’ve daydreamed about our first fight, our wedding, named our future dog, and retained a divorce lawyer.
Here’s a step by step guide to staircases
*gives you a handrail*
Since Twitter, I’ve learned to watch TV with my ears
My son is watching Up, and asked if they tried to get a baby by having sex.
If I have to picture Carl and Ellie doing the nasty, so do you.
Hip-Hop & Dancing go hand & hand for my generation.
Doctor’s office: You’re overdue for a physical.
Me: Ok.
Dr: We recommend you getting one as soon as possible.
Me: Do I have to?
Dr: You really should get one ASAP.
Me: Ok. Fine. Schedule me for one.
Dr: The earliest appointment we have is 6 months from now.
I just saw my 25-year-old son run water on a slice of pizza to cool it off. I need to sit down.
A student brought me 20 huge homemade chocolate chip cookies today. Good thing I have self-control–I saved one for my kids. To split.
Pros and cons of doing something you love:
Pros: It’s something you love
Cons: Doing.
Everything I know about sex I learned from Tetris: rotate it and hope it fits in another slot
“I’m gonna look to my left and run as fast as I can.”
– Toddlers
If your dog & your baby are fighting, it’s important to leave them to it so that a pack leader can be established.
Who needs Botox when some discreetly placed scotch tape and social distancing are a thing.
I used to think people who looked for sex on craigslist were rock bottom… Then I discovered twitter.
Freeze tag in the pool ended badly.
“Your generation is having less kids” yeah we go to therapy to fix our relationships now
ME (undercover, approaching craps table): One crap please, my good man.
i finally learned that stocks are the birds that deliver ur baby so follow me for more finance tips