Lost my pet unicorn.
If you find it, please share your drugs.
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*house explodes into flames*
Kids: mom, what’s for dinner?
The “self-lubricated catheter” and the “discreet pocket catheter” have me rethinking what role catheters ought to be playing in my life.
Me: *finishes up dinner date*
Me: *sits down at new table* Sorry I’m late, traffic was awful
Her: …you were literally sitting at the table right next to this one
If you know where to buy good cheese, money can absolutely buy happiness and don’t let anyone tell you otherwise.
embarrassed bc i’m walking down the sidewalk and a rat is just like walking next to@me and it looks like we’re together
WIFE: I’m leaving
ME: Well it’s no suprise, our relationship has slowly deteriorated and I’m not sure we even like each other any more
WIFE: I’m leaving to go to the shops
ME: Ooh get tacos
It’s only fair that if the TSA should ban over 3oz of liquid carried on a person, they should also ban a person wearing over 3oz of cologne.
*Hands out tests*
“Remember, there’s no prize for finishing first,” I lie.
My outfit today says “I’m going for a run in the fresh air and maybe do some yoga afterwards.”
My outfit is full of lies.
All the observable evidence suggests that, if I was much worse at my job, I’d be more likely to get a promotion to senior management.
This year for Mothers Day, I’d just like all the charging cables back that my kids have stollen from me
“Don’t look a gift horse in the mouth,” I whisper as I discover my strange mole is actually a half melted chocolate chip.
I have to admit, I never thought our son would go that far.
Me neither. This trebuchet is marvellous. Let’s get the cat.
#CatDay #RubbishJokes
#MondayMorning
how high up are we talkin’?
I think it’s safe to take the fax numbers off our business cards, now, everybody.
I don’t really like pie, but I will still eat six pieces to be polite.
[first day as a jedi knight]
*accidentally runs light saber thru the washer and dryer*
Welcome to parenthood. You will be issued 5 overly noisy toys by people who you thought cared about you shortly.
My teen’s sleeve got wet because I didn’t put the water bottle cap on correctly and you’d think I just snapped his Nintendo switch in half.
dr frankenstein: it’s alive!
igor: great! what should we name him
dr frankenstein: uh we won’t
igor: idk might lead to some confusion
dr frankenstein: it will literally never come up
The moment I said “iligalbility” I knew it was time to put the glass of wine down.
That and the fact that the bottle was empty.
5 yo- can I roll down the car window?
Me- yeah, just don’t yell at that man.
I don’t know why so many people blame their air conditioning for their inability to spell.
I talk like a sailor in front of my kid. He’s gonna swear anyway and I want him to be good at it.
Any weekend is a Vampire Weekend if you can’t look at yourself in the mirror afterwards.
AMERICAN: *talking like it’s no big deal* Yeah I had to drive 47 hours to get home for thanksgiving
ME: *living in UK* If I drive in one direction for 20 minutes I fall into the sea
I keep having this dream about a guy I chopped up and put in my freezer. I always have to try and hide it when I get a new roommate. The roommate part is really starting to freak me out.
You guys are going to lose it when the Identity Theft Mosquitos get here.
Spice up your meltdown through interpretive dance.
“Daddy, where do babies come from?”
Show him Edna..
[mum stops slicing carrots]
*starts violently gagging until a baby slides out her mouth*