“How did the Nukey War start, Oldfather?”
“Well …” [I stoke the fire] “It was Hashtag International Cat Day…”
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Me: you’re a coward
Tattooist: it’s just not possible to tattoo your whole body “denim”
ME: Why are my eyes itchy?
WebMD: Eye bees
One nice thing about your 30s is people talk less about figuring themselves out and more about where the best sandwiches are.
7 years ago I met my husband, the love of my life and my baby daddy…
It was awkward at first, but they all seem to be getting along now.
Cop: Know why I stopped you?
Me: I was going too fast?
Cop: Yes, you’ll get brain freeze
Me: [eats ice cream slower]
You know what else is crazy?
*googles synonyms for crazy*
Who says great literature is dead?
[inventing chalk]
We want something that young children can use to play and learn with, but we also need to be able to outline dead bodies.
{Me as a police trainee}
COP: So whoever killed him—
ME: Or WHATever kil—
COP: Nope. No. That’s not a real thing. WHOever killed him… did it with something sharp.
ME:
COP:
ME: *Quietly to myself* Or someONE sharp.
I opened my front door and saw a coyote in the yard and said “Oh, sorry” and closed the door like I’d walked in on an unlocked bathroom stall.
Feeling lazier than the guy who named the anteater
“What’s this thing eat? Cool.”
I’m sorry WHAT sleepwear?
[high school reunion]
“Hey aren’t u the kid who used to lie and throw people under the bus all the time?”
No that was Tyler.
Me: Excel, could you copy paste values pls
Excel: (smoking cigarette and eating Doritos) yeah I can do it but it’s gonna take like 10 minutes
Me: why
Excel: (eating three chips at once) because I don’t like you
[desert island diary – day 1]
4:15 pm: Got one call out of my cell phone before it died. Now I wait.
5:25 pm: That pizza is definitely free
A hot girl in the hallway just smiled at me, but don’t worry; I yelled “I’m taken,” and ran into the men’s bathroom where she can’t follow.
I need to be locked up… in an ice cream factory.
[fancy daughter comes back from her first semester at culinary school in the big city] Well well well if it isn’t
Not to brag, but I can cure a man of having a thing for me in five minutes flat.
Fine, I’ll bite. What’s stability?
I laughed at my husband when he asked me why the kids were off of school for Valentine’s Day. This is Texas son, they’re off because it follows the day after the Super Bowl.
me: oh boy I stained your shirt don’t kill me
murderer: haha yeah that would be an overreaction
The real heroes are my neighbours in a 5km radius during my quarantine bagpipe practice
🤬فقط في مصر 🤬
If you think Floyd Mayweather vs. Logan Paul is going to be a big fight, wait until my wife finds out I just spent $50 to watch it.
Sometimes I like to mess with my husband and say things like “Honey, please hand me a waffle knife” and watch him panic.
Date nights are great to bond with your spouse over why the hell are the spoons in the fork rack
I accidentally confused Star Trek with Star Wars and some kid threatened to cut me with his Virgin card.
BREAKING NEWS: Scientists have discovered what may be the worlds largest bed sheet. More on that as it unfolds.
Matt Lauer lost his job.
Charlie Rose lost his job.
Mark Halperin lost his job.
Glenn Thrush lost his job.
Billy Bush lost his job.
Harvey Weinstein lost his job.
Kevin Spacey lost his job.
But in politics…
Conyers still in Congress.
Moore still running.
Trump still President.