ME: (petting a dog) He loves this.
DOG: (being pet) He loves this.
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him: how have you been improving yourself with all this free time during quarantine? i’ve been exercising more and eating better
me: [has forgotten the definition of 83 common words, what traffic light colors mean what, my phone number] simplifying
*wife comes out in a robe*
I’m hiding your present
Yes it’s wrapped
Nooo, it’s not in the fridge
[5 minutes later]
IT’S NOT IN THE FRIDGE!
God: *inventing the elephant* let’s just move all the dials to maximum and see what happens
Two wolves? Cute. I’ve got 8 pieces of pizza in me
1st date
She: I enjoy long walks on the beach.
Me: *nod knowingly* Because you want to lose weight.
Everyone’s been asking me how I would improve shoes. Here is my answer:
My friend is trying to quit his addiction to marathons. He’s in a 55,000 step program.
Nobody knows how much work I put into looking only this fat.
Look, we’ve all dreamed of seeing a car caught on a rising bollard. Don’t pretend you haven’t.
The neighbors are angry, but I work during the day & I would like to know what time other than night do they expect me to complete the kind of blasting needed to begin the construction of my backyard hydroelectric dam?
Condoleeza Rice’s less successful sister is Apartmentleeza Rice.
What do you call a frog stuck in the mud?
Unhoppy.
#OneLiners #RubbishJokes #Puns #DadJokes #F4F
[Valentine’s Day]
Me: I got you a bunch of flowers
GF: Thanks
Me: There were loads just by the roadside. Got you a teddy and a candle too
Life is short. Write that novel. Paint that painting. Try new recipes. Learn black magic. Go into the forest at night. Summon a demon. Earn that demon’s trust. Become best friends with it. Brag to everyone else about your new cool demon best friend. Knit that sweater.
*at a pizza buffet in the Midwest*
Me: excuse me, can you please make a vegetarian pizza?
Him: Sure! What kind of meat do you want on that?
it was a valiant fight
I hit my daily fruit intake yesterday by eating all the fruit garnishments in and on my drinks
[on the phone]
Me: I can’t make it in today
Boss: That’s the 3rd time this week
M: *neck deep in Kit Kat wrappers* I have a problem
[showing off scars]
ME: *lifting shirt* I’ve had this one for as long as I can remember
HER: that’s your bellybutton
I’m not waiting until I’m a ghost to tell people ‘get out of my house’ in a creepy voice
If you lift up the handle on the car door at the same time I’m trying to unlock it more than two times, I’m driving off without you.
Manslaughter. The sound of a man laughing?
Mommy, what are these?
“Put them back they are sleeping pills!”
Oh, then you shouldn’t yell
“Why?”
[whispering] YOU’LL WAKE THEM UP
I was tired of arguing with my 3yo about getting dressed for school, so I made a sticker chart. Now, we also argue about stickers.
There’s no sticker warning me not to eat this box of nails so I guess I’ll just go for it.
Weekends in your 20’s: Making rash decisions
Weekends in your 40’s: Googling rashes
One of the kids said, “Camping looks fun,” so tonight we’re watching The Revenant.
I’m not sure but I think the family from Honey Boo Boo is just a family of bears that were shaved down and shown how to shit indoors.
I would make a terrible Buddhist because I kill a lot of ants and drifters