Me: {sobbing my heart out, eyes swollen, nose red) “I can’t see you anymore. I am NOT going to let you hurt me like that again!”
Trainer: “It was a sit-up. You did one sit-up.”
You Might Also Like
A library patron stops in her tracks at the reference desk, studies me, and says: “You’ve gotten a few gray hairs!”
“Yeah, I get one every time there’s something I want to say out loud at work but hold it in instead. Oops, there’s a new one.”
After a long day of tweeting I like to relax with a hot cup of wtf am I doing with my life?
Who needs fireworks when I have aluminum foil and a microwave?
My daughter asked me for money on a FaceTime call and I pretended like the screen froze up and she tells me, “Mother, the ceiling fan is still moving.”
The student has surpassed the master
Love this one 😂🧟
Yes I will purchase the anti-ageing cream that costs 100’s of dollars because the results on those 20 year old models is just miraculous.
Let this be a lesson to everyone: If you love someone, set them free to get married and then divorced and then have a series of mid life crisis relationships and get an embarrassing back tattoo and if they come back it was meant to be
To Do List While in Jail
1. Ask someone for an Eskimo kiss and when they shake their head no say,”Hey why’d you start without me?”
2.
3.
Studies show women find food emotionally comforting.
Please send chickpeas.
I plan on spending the weekend in a vintage perfume ad (walking, staring, hair, wind).
All I’m saying is if the toilet still flushes when the power and gas goes out, why don’t we run more things on toilet power?
I’m not mad at Bezos for going into space. I’m mad at him for coming back.
Toddlers are like ants only instead of carrying 20x their body weight, they take up 20x their body size in your bed
If I don’t get an A for my daughter’s school project, I’m gonna be pissed.
One of these days I’m going to see a video on Tik Tok that tells me I have been breathing wrong my whole life and I’m just gonna stop.
What I said: No
What I meant: No
What my dog heard: Okay, but just look real cute.
For once I’d like to get kicked INTO a bar
My baby reminds me of Freddy Kruger: he’s got long, sharp fingernails, is most terrifying at night, and forces you to survive on no sleep.
On an afternoon walk, a handsome stranger hands you a note. It says “By the time you read this, I will already be petting your dog.” You look down. It’s true.
Saying “oh my gosh you’re getting so big!” is cute and acceptable to say to a 6 year old. Not so much to an ex-girlfriend.
“Love me do” is my favourite Beatles song written by Yoda.
If I had a dime for every time my kids called mom I could buy my own island but my kids would still find me.
“I bet you’re beautiful on the inside.”—a sensitive guy
“I bet your insides are beautiful.”—a serial killer
Accidentally used AXE shampoo to wash my cat the other day and now he’s boxing strays and impregnated 17 dogs
Social distancing in Australia:
[slowly pushing iceberg in front of titanic]
little mermaid: 🎶I’ll have gadgets and gizmos a-plenty🎶
[dog catches me bringing a box of fireworks in the house]
Me: Oh hey buddy, this isn’t what it looks like, okay.
I just really think bacon should be called “fry”con
My boss: did…you make this powerpoint on company time
The 6 types of sex
Dentist: Ok, I’m going to start drilling.
“Wait! What if I have to poop?”
D: Then you should go now.
*awkward pause*
“Thanks I feel better.”