There’s a subset of women with baskets of spray painted pinecones displayed in their home, and my mother is their king.
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We can put a man on the moon, but we can’t think of a less terrifying way to can biscuits
My husband was upset that the baby spit up on his “nice clothes”.
I’m not sure if I’m more confused by my husband thinking he has “nice clothes” or that he doesn’t understand what a washing machine does.
growing up, nothing was ever more unsettling than when you were at a friend’s house and found out they had weird names for their grandparents. who the f*** is gum-gum
Being a parent means often saying your child is shy rather than “he sees how creepy u are, that’s why he doesn’t want to shake your hand”.
For our anniversary last year I told my wife “thank you for 20 happy years” and she got mad because we’ve been married for 31
Next time you’re on a date and someone asks “Is that your boyfriend or your brother?” smile really creepy and whisper “Both”.
Girlfriend: “I’m pregnant”
Me: “Really? Thats great.”
GF: “April Fo–”
*I’m already on a plane to a non extradition country*
If you do the Macarena while you cold call people to ask about their political opinions that makes you a poll dancer.
A funny thing I like to do is yell ‘God, not your WHOLE hand’ when the doctor does a pelvic exam.
do y’all like your PB&J with or without the door hinge
Now that I think about it, I don’t believe Arnold Schwarzenegger and Danny Devito were twins at all
THERAPIST: How does that make you feel?
ME: “Mphh mophh wampph.”
T: Again, this works better if you don’t lie face down on the couch.
Getting a text message from your ex is like getting a message from Satan on an Ouija board.
The pilot’s been taxiing to our gate for 20 minutes, so apparently he landed at the wrong airport and we are driving the rest of the way.
It’s embarrassing when my wife pats me down for concealed chicken nuggets in front of our friends.
ME: we sure have one great kid
WIFE: we have two kids
ME: yes we do
I may be a chaotic mess, but then so is quantum physics.
Unicorn
(ꪀ.) A single piece of corn.
[red carpet during zombie apocalypse]
“Who are you eating?”
aruba, jamaica / oooh, i wanna take ya
atlanta, las vegas/ uhhh that’s lots of places
vienna, then florence/ baaabe i can’t afford this
I like how liquor stores wrap booze bottles in complimentary barf bags.
Teacher: Write what you know.
Student: *writes “what you know.”*
I’m thinking about redesigning my house with a brand new family.
Hate it when I go to the store for a loaf of bread and come back home $100 later.
I attend online school everyday.
My kid joins in whenever he feels like it.
JUDGE: state your name for the court
ME: Juan
JUDGE: and your last
ME: Agofree
JUDGE: so, Juan Agofree?
ME: *bangs gavel* case dismissed
not to be a complainer but if dogs can have treats to clean their teeth why can’t we
All of the good tweets are either married or gay.
Finally finished Oppenheimer. He liked zoning out, staring open-mouthed while thinking about floating dots. We all do, but I guess it’s what you do with it
Remember, it doesn’t have to be the “perfect” muder, just an unsolvable one.
~me as a motivational speaker