Yogurt does nothing. Creamy nonsense. You ever finished a yogurt cup and felt like it made a difference? Like throwing a shoe at a bear.
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Please don’t put a coin on my mouth when I die; I plan to wander the shores of the River Styx for 100 years & finally get that bikini body.
They say the more people you see joggin in a neighborhood the more expensive property taxes will be…That’s why I never jog bc I’m just a really really good neighbor
And by noon on the 7th day, God said these kids need some iPads.
*looks at chess board for a long time before finally looking up* I thought you said cheese board
imagine being a rooster and just completely losing your shit over the sun rising.
You can’t be mad if I poop in it. Your the one with a toilet planter in your front yard.
You know what’s better than therapy? Nothing. Go to therapy.
Santa read your DMs. The only thing you’re getting for Christmas is a prayer group on Facebook.
me: what do you know about atoms?
friend: very little
me: besides that
If I had any self control I’d probably eat that too.
*tunnels out of prison cell, pops up in the warden’s office in an entirely different prison*
aw come ON
Well if you cant buy babys at Babys R Us what in the world do they sell?
I love my bodyguard. I would take a bullet for him
Being a grandpa must be tough, some baby mispronounces a word and suddenly your name is “Peepo” for the last 30 years of your life
Cool prank: lead 50 pugs to the top of a waterslide & send them down 1 by 1 as the parents waiting at the bottom get increasingly confused
gonorrhea would’ve been a good name for a diarrhea medicine.
If you enjoyed calling strangers and hanging up when you were 10 years old, perhaps a career in telemarketing is for you.
[Skype]
ME: Finally I see your face and wow.
HIM: [naked] Where are you?!
ME: Starbucks. Wanna meet a few friends? They like your tweets.
I wish I was dinosaur. No school, no work, just ror ror.
Slicing my strawberry shortcake ice cream bar like it’s wagyu beef
[Dracula bites a pig]
Me: ohhhhh, hampire
It’s so dumb to be on this app, why do I have a diary where people can yell at me
If you eat tuna fish, & then you eat cake, you need to get a new fork. Trust me. 🤢
My husband’s birthday is soon and today I put a reminder on the calendar to buy him a gift.
Our shared calendar.
At least he already knows not to expect much.
Oh what so only roosters are allowed to start the day with screaming
“GO TO YOUR ROOM AND STAY THERE”
KID: *goes kicking and screaming*
TEEN: You can’t do this, I have plans tonight
ADULT: Thank you so much
I apparently said “keratin” instead of “ketamine” when discussing treatment options with my psychiatrist, so the bad news is that I remain a terminal depressive, but wow, my frizz is really well controlled.
*kidnapping Beyoncé* got your Knowles
My neighbor gave me $50 to get my squeaking door fixed because he couldn’t stand it anymore… and so begins my life as a sugar baby