The sign at this gas station says “turn engine off” so I catcalled my engine and its cute friend from across the street.
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Kids are a great reminder that, when life knocks you down, you can’t stay down for long. No, because literally they’re going to ask you to make them a sandwich like right after.
Operator: 9-1-1, what’s your emergency?
Me: Yeah, hi, so what’s the rules about seizing assets in a citizen’s arrest cuz I just saw someone jaywalk with a soft serve cone and it looked very tasty
{notices you’re wearing silver earrings}
sorry your ears came in 2nd
I had to grease a lot of palms to get to where I am today
*cut to me oiling up tropical trees*
haha excellent
I just washed my car in my driveway and people sped up instead of slowing down.
I tell people my hobby is growing bonsai trees, but my real hobby is starting very tiny forest fires.
I wish had the patience of a former coworker who would peel her strawberries
*Sees couple arguing in store*
*Discreetly drops a pregnancy test into the cart*
My favorite thing about single people is how they champion being single till they like someone then they transform into a hypocritcalpotamus
Hormonal teenage daughter: Where do you want to be buried?
Me: You mean after I die, right?
Married men live longer then single men. So if you want a slow death…… 😉
diet tip: your pants will never get too tight if you don’t wear any.
Please say a prayer for my 8 year old son, he has to write 4 sentences.
Me: *walking out of dressing room* Ok be honest…
Boyfriend: I’m gay.
Room with a view.
*uses Oujia board*
SMELLS LIKE UPDOG
me: what’s updog?
NOT MUCH, DOG, JUST ABOUT TO POSSESS YOUR CAT
me: what
cat: what
You ever leave cardboard on the frozen pizza, and it starts smoking, and your family bans you from using appliances because you burn shit up?
Me neither.
to everyone who met me 5 years ago im sorry i was hacked
Got capsaicin in my eye again. I, justly, blame the squirrels.
People say eye contact is important when flirting, but when I put my finger in someone’s eye they never seem to like it.
Me: *leaving flowers* We miss you Auntie Anne
Cashier: Sir, this is a pretzel stand
Me: I know but her actual grave is like, really far away
It’s so cold that the local flasher was caught *describing* himself
to women.
You’re technically never cheated on you were just in a surprise polyamorous relationship
Water is the solution to any problem… Do you want to lose weight? Drink more water. Stressful day? Take a warm bath. Tired of annoying people? Drown them.
(Arrives in rescue boat to aid sinking cruise ship full of today’s pop artists, saves only Lorde and Sia, speeds away)
[8 AM]
Me: Time to wake up.
[13 HOURS LATER]
Me: Time to go to bed.
Kid: But, Mom, it’s 9 AM.
Writing tip: Give your characters different names. If all your characters are named “Nathan”, readers will become confused.
Used to work in an office where the boss gave a hard brain teaser to the staff in the morning & if anyone could figure it out by the afternoon he’d pay for their lunch. I won most days. Because as the IT guy I had access to his company cloud account where he stored the answers.
Guy jogging pushing stroller for two kids. But only one there. Don’t think he knows he lost one.
After a particularly tense morning with 4, she looks me dead in the eye and says, “Did you know there are families without moms?”
It was nice knowing you all.