Wait, there’s a big difference.
Did you say I look like THE Rock or did you say I look like A rock?
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“I think this ice cream is spoiled.”
*me drunk, eating mayonnaise*
why don’t snakes just roll downhill sideways?
Quinoa was invented by someone who really wanted to win at scrabble.
Eat healthy, but remember that greasy foods protectively coat your heart so it pops out of the fist of those who attempt to crush it.
Some days driving is like Russian roulette, but with squirrels.
Diets are like religions. The moment I find out that thing I like isn’t allowed, I’m out.
Clearly the people that design refrigerators don’t know me if they think 1 tiny cheese drawer & 2 giant vegetable drawers is the way to go.
I hate men who say “where’s my hug?” Uhhh I don’t know, where’s your mom at?
What I like about greyhounds is that they look like they evolved specifically to fit their snoots into tall and narrow pickle jars.
[On a first date]
Her: So, what’s your favorite food?
Me: Bacon
Her: Okay. Who’s your favorite actor?
Me: Bacon
Her: I see. Do you have any hobbies?
Me: Bakin’
Her: (Deep Sigh) What do you do for work?
Me: I bring home the…
Her: WAITER CHECK PLEASE!!!
We decided to name our unborn child something that represents where it was conceived.
Only 7 more months until baby Uber is born!
My kid pausing YouTube to decide what snack she wants is the new turning down the car radio when you’re lost.
I bet if you walked up to any table at a restaurant and said “Good afternoon folks” they will let you take their order.
If they ban straws, that means I can no longer flirtatiously blow the straw wrapper at my date and that is literally my only move.
Things I have learned by sliding across the hood of my car:
Either I weigh more than Bo Duke, or they just don’t make em like they used to.
You’re telling me that you paid eight dollars for a cup of coffee…
They don’t put any booze in it or nothin?
I’d like to say I have a yoga body, but it’s really more of a Yoda body.
Resist all the cheese, I can’t.
Coworker: can I tell you something but don’t tell anyone else?
Me: I already forgot the question.
For a movie called IT, there were suprisingly few computers in it
Life was so barbaric in the olden days. Imagine hitting snooze on a rooster.
*Throws up some gang signs*
*stabs self in eye with salad fork*Hubs: Next time you do the Macarena, put your fork down.
Danny Zuko: I got chills, they’re multiplying…
Sandy: Gross. You probably have a stomach bug.
[Halloween]
Me: How adorable! I love your ghost costume!
14: *sigh* I AM NOT A GHOST! I’M SHEET-FACED.
6 year olds be like my best friend is Kevin and Charlie and Emma and Amy and Zach, lol stfu and go learn about superlatives, Tommy.
I like to carry binoculars when hiking so that when I make frequent stops it looks like I’m appreciating nature instead of fighting for air
Jesus: I HAVE RETURNED
[wife & I arguing about who used the last paper towel or some other shit]
Jesus: OK I’MMA COME BACK LATER
CDC: i know u been shut in all week-
ME: im good
CDC: if you have to
go out-ME: i wont
CDC: ok but if you really need-
ME: *puts headphones back in*
I went on my daughter’s movie field trip with her class so of course I snuck in snacks and she snitched on me to her teacher then had the audacity to ask me to share
[at restaurant]
Me: What’s under all that garnish?
Her: Nothing, it’s a salad.