Researcher: The data are wrong so I sent Jenkins to the lab to review the calculation-process-thingy.
Assistant: Algorithm.
R: No you stay here and help me.
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Just remember, every time someone misuses the word “epic” Zooey Deschanel covers another Smiths song on her ukulele.
[being pushed into the middle of a dance circle] please, I have a family
Princess Peach: Something’s different. You seem taller.
Luigi wearing Mario’s red overalls: No, nothing is different. It’sa me, Mario.
The flintstones are proof that man lived with dinosaurs
Bought a kazoo to stick in my husband’s mouth when he snores so he can wake himself up in the most annoying way possible
[30 years into the future]
me: you know netflix used to send films by post
my amazon smart watch: 0.3% Productivity loss detected. Hourly rate reduced to $1.12 for 7m21s. Please refrain from talking on the packing line. Please say “Productivity” to acknowledge
me: productivity
home depot should sell a 12ft turkey skeleton for thanksgiving
Me: Got any more of those debbled eggs?
Friend: Did you just say DEBBLED eggs?
Me: No, I said the right thing…
If you’ve never seen your woman truly pissed at you, it’s obvious you’ve never used her sewing scissors to cut paper.
Become a parent, so you, too, can be accused of putting too much yolk in an egg.
why isn’t he texting back
I was like, “How many times do I have to repeat myself? I feel like a broken record!”. They were like, “What’s a broken record?”.
Ever meet one of these people that makes everything a competition? I’ve met more.
i don’t have a lot of great life advice but one thing i can 100% tell you is don’t be the person sending angry drunk texts after midnight
If you add orange juice to Jason Momoa you get a Jason Mimosa.
Nothing sexier than when a man pulls you close, looks deep into your eyes, and puts a Babybel in your mouth.
Being nice is exhausting, which is why evil people have so much energy.
Me: Mistakes my own hair for a spider at least once a day & screams
Also me: [watching Criminal Minds] I could totally be a cop
Lobsters: grabby hands
Mobsters: stabby hands
I had my ring finger removed just to be safe.
him: i love you
me: im saving my emotions for the star wars premiere
Han Solo had a much cooler older brother called Drum
My whole life is like when you’re talking to someone and your gum falls out of your mouth.
Twitter is like the tenth time you’ve opened the fridge and there still isn’t anything good in it.
If they cause you to have anxiety & panic attacks the majority of your relationship, move on.
In related news, I just broke up with my mom
ME: Can I borrow your car?
FRIEND: You already borrowed my car.
ME: *nervously* Can I borrow another one?
“Let’s make it very difficult to open while people are bleeding.”
– inventor of the Band-Aid
Maybe a ninja is fighting a chameleon right in front of you.
Ever think of that??
People who text me, “OMG GUESS WHAT?,” vastly overestimate my level of interest in anything they have to say.