My memory is horrible but I remember every person I loaned a book to that didn’t return it.
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me: can we watch something besides basketball tonight
him: sure how about a movie
me: cool you pick
[halfway through Teen Wolf]
me: you tricked me
STARBUCKS BARISTA: I got a latte here for *squinting* Catheter Zebra Jokes?
CATHERINE ZETA-JONES: *sigh* That’s gotta be mine—
CATHETER ZEBRA JOKES: Hey not so fast, lady.
Thanks for explaining my tweet to me I was wondering what I meant
me (when someone beats me in an online video game and says Good Game): wow rub it in much? not cool dude
me (when someone beats me in an online video game and doesn’t say Good Game): wow not even gonna be polite. not cool dude
I am not emotionally unavailable I’m trying to get my new scissors out of the package.
WANTED: Call center workers with very weak english, poor communication skills and short temper needed for major bank. Bonus paid for low IQ.
Knock Knock
BREAKING NEWS: Scientists discover portal, “WE THREW A HOTDOG IN IT” screamed one scientist
Dont be worried about your smartphone and TV spying on you.
Your vacuum has been gathering dirt on you for years!
Drunk stranger: my kids drive me to drink.
Me, having to drive myself places: *whispers* lucky.
[end of a date]
her: we should have dinner again
me: thanks but I’m full
Hotel clerk: May I help you?
Me: Call an ambulance.
HC: What happened?
M: I’m not sure. Someone said calm down and I blacked out after that.
*Me getting pulled over*
Me:license and registration please?
Guy police officer :I pulled u over..
Me:do u really want to argue with me?
*buys almond milk*
“I’m gonna get healthy!”
*drinks almond milk*
“This is gross.”
*pours Hershey’s chocolate syrup in milk*
“Perfect.”
Happy Thanksgiving
If I were a serial killer, I’d hide the bodies of my victims in a cave that I’d affectionately call “The cadavern”.
[nearing end of first date]
Me: I’ll give you a call later, OK?
Her: *throws phone in river* I lost my phone.
Me: Got any more of those debbled eggs?
Friend: Did you just say DEBBLED eggs?
Me: No, I said the right thing…
DATE: …so that’s how I ended up at Harvard Law!
ME: Sometimes I make a fruit salad in my mouth by biting into different kinds of fruit LOL
Next time someone falls asleep next to me on a plane they are going to wake up to me holding their hand and lovingly gazing into their eyes asking “What are we???”
So disappointed. Haven’t sold a single one of my “We Welcome Solicitors” signs on Etsy.
When my girl was five I was reading to her from a little book about George Washington.
Me: As a boy he liked to ride horses and fish.
Her: He liked to ride fish?!
It’s been nine years but in my mind he’s still riding that big beautiful fish.
Flash mobs are so not what I thought. Now I’ve gotta go find my clothes.
me 2 months after i graduated
Roses are red, I have a phone. No one texts me, forever alone.
Someone on Facebook sent me an invite to their Fall Tupperware party. The only way I’m going is if they’re full of food.
They’ll find Bigfoot before they find a Smoothie store that’s been open for more than 2 years.
me: sorry I have to go my, uh, cat is texting me
date: omg just tell me you’re not interested
cat still texting: THE GOOD LITTER HAVE I MADE MYSELF CLEAR
well, that freaky sound coming from the basement was just the pipes going wonky
of course, I didn’t have a basement this morning, so that’s a whole different problem