Oh boy, I am desperate!
My bowels do churn.
Too many tacos!
I never will learn.
Pardon me, Sir!
I believe it’s my turn.– Horton Has to Poo
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As I walked through the valley of the shadow of death, I pooped my pants a little bit. Not gonna lie.
Fight club but just dueling neighbor’s aggressively leaf blowing leaves onto each other’s lawns.
waiter: do you need a minute to look over the menu?
me, researched it online: yes please
Bruce Willis should host a baking competition called Pie Hard.
Strength training is a great form of anger management cause I can’t scream and yell when I have an injured back!
I promised you nothing and I’m a man who lives up to his promises.
Bouncer: ID please
Me: I got socks for Christmas
Bouncer: …okay
Me: and I’m genuinely happy about it
Bouncer: so sorry come on in
Anyone else having a near life experience today?
1997: I Know What You Did Last Summer
1998: I Still Know What You Did Last Summer
2006: I’ll Always Know What You Did Last Summer
2020: Say, Remember That Thing You Did 23 Summers Ago? No? Me Neither. In Fairness, it Was a While Ago. Never Mind. As You Were. Bye.
[Restaurant]
Me *has a sip and nods at date* yes, that’s fine, we’ll have a bottleWaiter: One ketchup coming up
I think the least the government could do right now is cancel calories, do they even understand how much cheese is needed daily to eat one’s feelings
Only wearing tennis skirts from now on and frankly disappointed in myself for not thinking of it sooner.
That hospital class on parenting I took didn’t include enough wrestling tips.
If you’re hitting the gas every time she tries to open the passenger side door, remember, the 8th time is always the funniest.
I don’t need extravagant gifts for Valentine’s Day.
The only gift I need is for someone to come over & do my laundry.
It’s no longer a Twittercide, it’s Xterminated.
This tweet has been deleted
ME: I quit texting and driving after the accident.
HER: Were you hurt?
[flashback to 12 hot dogs rolling off the dashboard]
ME: So hurt.
GF taking me on a surprise V-Day getaway. At least I think. Not sure what the lime and shovel in the trunk with me are for though.
Job interviewer: so what’s your greatest weakness?
Me: job interviews mostly
People assume I am stupid because I am nice and smiley and a helper and that’s working out for me so why fight it
quarantine day 3
Don’t know how anybody can hate on lazy people, we didn’t even do anything.
[two coworkers walk into my office]
Coworkers: Hey! It’s your two favorite people here to ask you a question!
Me: Where?
My 4yo niece: “You’re fat”
Me: “Santa died”
Some people need a sympathetic pat on the head… with a hammer.
It turns out condoms aren’t 100% effective, unless you actually take them out of your wallet…
Girls are girls. They will wait for your reply without texting you!
the olympics are held once every 4 years.. hell even im not held that often!!!!!
Every morning after I get out of the house, a bike comes out of nowhere and runs me over.
It’s a vicious cycle.