Natalie Imbruglia: I thought I saw a man brought to life. He was warm, he came around like he was dignified
Him:
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That sure is a big fat burrito you got there, be a shame if someone snapped a pic just as you were about take a bite then photoshopped a baby over it.
Ordered Amazon Delivery and selected “replace item” with the closest thing they can find if they run out of stock…
We ordered tampons.
And they sent the closest appropriate thing.
Which right now, is a bag of 50 frozen sausage rolls.
It’s very important, every few days, to take a break from social media walk outside and throw up on people in person.
Swedish for common sense.
“I decided I wanted to be a ninja so I googled “Ninja School”, followed the link and the page could not be found. Well played, Ninja School”
Parents: “If only there were a manual for this.”
Also parents: “How dare you tell me how to raise my kids, you piece of shit.”
Saw (2004, Horror): An old man gives 2 people instructions on how to walk out of a bathroom. 102 minutes.
Adding pasta water to my cereal to make the milk stick.
Me: you tellin me a shrimp fried this rice lol
Benihana Chef: ha ha
Shrimp Under Chef’s Hat: he knows too much
Me: (slightly intoxicated ) I don’t think our cat understands me at all.
16: Mom, put the guinea pig back in his cage please. You’re scaring him.
ME: I’m seeing a little water staining on the ceiling. There must be a leak somewhere.
CONTRACTOR: When are you noticing it most?
ME: When I look up.
*eats nothing but junk food for 3 weeks straight*
OMG is bellyache a symptom?!
-Knock Knock!
-Who is it?
-The love of your life.
– 🙂 Really?
-Hahahaha no, it’s the pizza you ordered.
*Gets divorced*
*Deletes ‘actress’ from LinkedIn profile*
“Just skip to the part where he pushes stuff off the counter!”
Want healthy, youthful-looking skin? Follow this sure-fire daily routine:
1. Be young.
2.
3.
4.
5.
dads be like “go help your mother” bro go help your wife
Today someone asked me, how much you weigh….
So I told her one hundred and sexy!#curvyissexy
Me: It’s time for your nap.
6: I don’t wanna take a nap!!
M: First off, don’t talk back to me. Second, I was talking to me.
I am no longer hungry. Nor is, I assume, the cicada I have just discovered crushed into the tread of my sneakers.
What if the “Silent Majority” is just people who don’t wear corduroys?
Commenting “this aged poorly” on my friend’s wedding anniversary posts from several years ago now that she’s getting divorced
*Workers at the pinball factory trying to go home, but the automatic swinging doors keep knocking them back inside*
I had to send a small item back to Amazon, so I put it in a refrigerator sized box and sent it on its way
Hello sweatpants my old friend, I’m going to dine in you again
why do only doctors get a special hammer for beating people with. I should be allowed to have one of these too
boss: you’re late
me: and you are not the father
Why do people named Deborah go by “Deb” and never “bruh”
I didn’t get a dog for the love and companionship, I got a dog so I would have an excuse to walk around my neighborhood in my pajamas between the hours of 4 am and 7 am
Man, the way these journalists are complaining it’s like they only went to Sochi to use doorknobs and go poop.