The squirrels of Grand Canyon might be cute. But they’ll beg. They’ll steal. They’ll bite. They’ll do anything to get what you want. So don’t trust them. Don’t approach them. And don’t give them anything—or they might take everything. – BM
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true crime documentaries are like “nobody suspected the husband until they found the life insurance policy”
How many tamagotchi funerals do you have to attend before you realize you may never be a grandparent 🤷🏻♀️
My kids as adults explaining my disappearance: 20 years ago she said if we didn’t hurry up she’d leave without us, & we never saw her again.
Is 4 too young to release your kid out into the wild?
we stopped at three kids. our cable spool dining table only seats five comfortably
I think I’m about six months away from the perfect ‘before’ picture.
*hit man puts on silencer*
*shoots gun*Gun: YOUR HAIR SMELLS NICE LIKE MY MOMS
Wth?
*looks at case*
Oh I brought the awkward silencer
my son swallowed our amazon dash button and now im afraid to hug him for fear of ordering another bulk order of goldfish snacks. am i cursed
If I try to film something outside, every person that owns a leaf blower within 10 miles is alerted via text.
When I can’t find my car keys, I’m grateful for the most helpful suggestions like “Where did you last leave them?” and “They’ll turn up”.
[3 days into dieting]
*sees ad for burger & fries*
*drowns in his own saliva*
Me squiggling in heated car seat: now I know what meat in a crockpot feels like
—Interviewer: Do you have any special skill that can benefit our company?
Me:
[watching basketball]
I bet these guys all have really big *husband stares at me* feet.
And that’s how you get him to turn off the game.
Mother in law: How’d you get this turkey so juicy?
Me: I’m…
Wife: … no
Me: a…
Wife: … don’t
Me: *stares at wife* master baster!
“It’s Your Birthday” Mateo Said. I Didn’t Respond. “Are You Not Excited To Be 15” He Asked. Reading My Book I Uttered “I Turned 15 Long Ago”
She died as she lived. Listening to the story of what her kid watched on YouTube that day.
baker: making perfect baked goods is all about precise measurements
me: cool can i get a dozen muffins pls?
baker: sure thing *hands me 13 muffins*
It’s like joking about bombs in the TSA security line. Is it protected speech? Yes. Is it a crime? No. Are you going to have a bad day? Yes.
launch my dead body into space but not too far away. if my calculations are correct, i will win the public pool splash contest in 2076
If you liked “These Boots Are Made for Walkin” youll enjoy other hits like “This Toaster Toasts Things” and “Whats the Phone Number for 911”
Them: Ok we need to create good plastic packaging for cakes and cookies
Satan: MAKE IT REALLY LOUD
I have a huge gash in my forehead. I’m going to assume I got up in the middle of the night, fought some crime, and went back to bed.
a lot to unpack here
Me: I’m full of lust but I can’t perform in bed
Doctor: Do you struggle with the booze?
Me *looks at wife* the booing is bad but the slow clapping is just sarcastic
My daughter is worse than a twitter newbie..
She manually Retweets everything I say…
To my wife!
I’ve received so many Viagra emails my laptop opened on its own.
*on a 1st date*
Her:..and I have 3 cats
Me: Swipe left
H: Did you say “swipe left”?!
M:
H:
M: *panicked whisper* swipeleftswipeleftswipeleft
Asking for her hand in marriage means something entirely different if your name’s Frankenstein.
Dogs will go through amazing effort to get a better view of your plate