Me: What are you doing?!
5-year-old: Hugging my sister.
Me: Hugs don’t start with a flying tackle.
5:
Me:
5: The good ones do.
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Never judge someone because they sin differently than you.
Considering teaching a whole seminar solely on this tweet
Always keep a dog eared book on your nightstand so that people think you know how to read.
Was watching that new walking dead and it was really good. They ran from zombies then killed zombies then ran from zombies then killed zombies then ran from zombies then killed zombies then ran from zombies then killed zombies then ran from zombies then killed zombies then ran fr
Here’s my ONLY problem with Evolution:
When the chocolate chip evolved, how did the raisin not go extinct?
If you’re going to gift a child a craft kit then you also have to do the craft with them. It’s the law.
John Wick 4 was so good I wish violence was real
Darth Vader: *chops of Luke’s hand* You underestimated what I’d do if you touched the thermostat!
Luke: Wait, you’re my dad?
if your boyfriend insists he rolls everywhere because it’s ‘faster than walking’, my friend, you may be dating a gamer.
It turns out that when you’re asked which kid is your favorite, you’re expected to pick from your own. I know that now.
if u wanna date me all u gotta do is ask and i’ll say no
I just fell over putting on my underpants. Vengeance most surely will not be mine.
I walked into a bakery and asked the lady at the register if I could buy a bagel with cream cheese.
“Sorry,” she said. “We only accept cash.”
DON’T STOP BELIEVING!
…..but feel free to be somewhat skeptical from time-to-time
Me in a huff: you just said disrobe down to my socks. You didn’t say anything about staying in the exam room
if i was a character in a horror movie and something supernatural was happening i wouldn’t be scared because that stuff isn’t real
Pro-tip: instead of telling a woman she looks tired, make her day by saying literally anything else
My 8-year-old has been explaining his video game to me since 2003
made the mistake of believing my kid when he said he didn’t want me to buy him cheesy bread
Goku in church: “This Jesus guy sounds really strong. I would have loved to fight against him!”
Apparently…
Border Security does NOT think it’s funny when you reply,“I’m hungry”
when they ask you if you have anything to declare.
Twitter is the only place where you encourage strangers to follow you. What could possibly go wrong?
I am now referring to my parents as numbers like you guys refer to your kids.
72 & 70 are coming to visit, send wine.
Me: my shoulder is sore
DR: I told u stop throwing rocks at the Sun
[walking out of office] (looks at Sun) I guess ur safe *squints* for now
If Ticketmaster had an outlet store, it would be called the $500 Dollar Tree.
this is me not knowing my powerpoint presentation was not showing up on the screen but my wallpaper instead
Mrs. Potato Head: OH MY GOD!
Mr. Potato Head: What?
Mrs. PH: Your browser history.
Mr. PH: I can explain!
Mrs. PH: TATER TOTS YOU PERVERT?!?
Sorry boys, but you will never get into these pants. I barely get into these pants. These are very tight pants.
wife: Why don’t we run through the parking lot?
me [laying on the ground in front of the car that hit me] Because it’s dangerous
Just told my husband we needed to end this year with a bang and now I’m regretting my choice of words.