WHY ARE WE ALLOCATING EMERGENCY AID FOR THE ARTS?
Screamed by people who have been watching Netflix, reading books, and playing video games for 18 hours/day.
You Might Also Like
7: We should probably sell our pets before they get old and die.
I guess I know which of my kids is NOT getting power of attorney.
Interviewer: Any questions?
Me: How come Cinderella was able to talk to the mice but not the birds, cat or dog??
I have an oven with a ‘stop time’ button. It’s probably meant to be ‘stop timer’ but I don’t touch it, just in case.
[watching wonder woman]
*wonder woman comes onscreen*
Me: (leans over to date) that’s wonder wo-*date throat punches me*
I hope people don’t turn against my comics after they find out about my extreme religious views (belief that only Italians get into heaven)
If you see me in Atlanta this weekend, at a Taylor Swift concert, that’s not me.
Ladies, you want to get a man to leave you alone? Just whisper those 2 magic words: I’m pregnant
learn from a vacuum cleaner, don’t work beyond the limit of your cord…
I apologize to everyone that I’ve ever offended.
Just kidding. Could you imagine?
I love Chinese food as much as the next guy, but you’ll never convince me a chicken fried this rice.
[in bed]
Him: What are you thinking?
Me: (blushing) I don’t wanna say
Him: You can tell me
Me: I wish I knew more about campaign finance law
Our baby doubled age in a single day. If my calculations are correct, a month from now she’ll be about 3 million years old.
I ran into a friend who asked how distance learning has been going with my kid. I whined about the horrorfest this morning (trying to teach 8th grade common core math.) I gave an example but my friend didn’t understand so I began explaining. Then it hit me I was teaching it AGAIN
3 month plan:
1. Get a man
2. Plan fancy dinner
3. Check in on Facebook
4. Instagram dinner
5. Make that bitch Kelly jealous of you for once
“Dad, how’d you get that scar on your forehead?”
[flashback to roller skating into a street pole while taking a Polaroid selfie]
‘Nam…
(me to my doctor) if you don’t have anything nice to say you shouldn’t say anything at all
Seductively takes 378 bobby pins out of my hair
Me: *calls* How are my kids?
Grandma: We’re having so much fun
Me: Maybe they can stay with you a few extra-
Grandma: Come get your kids.
[holding an acorn]
“do you still love me?”
Wife yells outside-
“that’s not even the same squirrel as yesterday!”“Shaddup you!”
I try to compartmentalize, but then I remember that’s how they built the titanic.
“I want the box where I poop to smell like my poop or else I won’t want to poop there. Whoa whoa, not THAT much like my poop! Jesus!” – cats
Me: gets up, wakes kids, empties dishwasher, makes lunches, helps make kid beds, does kids’ hair, makes breakfast for everyone, showers, makes coffee, does laundry
Hubs:
waiter: is pepsi ok
pepsi: take a look around you, does any of this seem ok
My bike just got a flat tire, or, as they say in England, my bike just got an apartment tire
7: “I know why pee is yellow. Because you have to squeeze to get pee out, like a lemon.”
sometimes i don’t spot my typos until it’s toilet
Goat: So, I make a ridiculous sound?
God: Yes.
Goat: Anything else weird I should know about?
God: Horizontal Pupils
Goat: What the- *stiffens, falls sideways*
God: YouTube is gonna love you.
I’ve diversified my investment portfolio by purchasing multiple properties*
*Barbie Dream House, Peppa Pig House, Gabby’s Dollhouse, Polly Pocket house
[spelling bee]
Your word is ‘golfed’
“May I have it in a sentence please?”
Sure. He golfed with a tee.
“G-O-L-F-T”
Heyyyyyyyyyyyo lol 🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣😏🥴🤦♂️🤷♂️