Invisible Obama be like “Uhh. Let me be clear”
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A modern recasting of Moses floating down a river in a wicker basket but it’s a soccer mom forgetting her baby on the roof of her van.
Hotel clerk: Sir, how many room keys would you like?
Me: 37
🤣🤣💀
If you ever ask me what my favorite of something is, it is guaranteed that I will forget everything I’ve ever loved, mumble some nonsense and run away.
Millennial: what’s crackalackin’?
Me: my knees, my shoulder, my neck, and my back
me: *falling asleep*
youtube: check out these top 13 most gruesome spatula related murders
me: you have my attention
Women’s time is different. My brother and I are still waiting for my mom to come out of the grocery store when she said it would be 30 minutes. That was 1986
Her: Hey, what does this dress say to you?
*Whirls Around*
Me: I’m not in the mood to listen to your clothes right now, I’m drinking!!
Instead of smiling and nodding through a conversation, try clapping and nodding. People will stop talking to you.
Farmer: I love my job
Wife: But all you do all day is round up cows
Farmer: What did you say to me?
Wife: You herd
My mom told me never to steal kitchen utensils.
But, it’s a whisk I’m willing to take.
It’s fine when farmers use souls of old plants 2 strengthen crops, but when I do it w/ ppl “I’m a witch” & “dear god she’s getting stronger”
Jumps into shower
Shower : I have a boyfriend
We should call them Whether Men, because they don’t know whether or not it’s going to rain, get it? That’s a good one.
My “friend” Adam gave me an electric toothbrush for my birthday. Completely unnecessary. My gas-powered toothbrush still runs fine, “Adam.”
[repeating myself louder in the haunted house attraction] did the dracula throw water on anyone else’s pants??
I saw a little field mouse while out on a 10k this evening. We regarded each other for a moment and I was struck by the sheer beauty of having an excuse to casually drop I logged a 10k this evening.
i love googling stuff. imagine not being able to google stuff. i would know next to nothing about the great molasses flood of 1919.
Him: You need to ease up on always picking out the things I do wrong
Me: You make it sound like I do it all the time!
Him: Even when I’m doing good, you have to find a mista…
Me: “Well”…when you’re doing “well”
Him:
Me: Go on…
BARTENDER: what can i get you
MOTH: gimme a bug light
*sleeping*
Heartburn: LIKE HELL YOU ARE
Kids are so dumb u think Santa’s elves made that PS4 yeah right like Sony would ever let that happen learn basic copyright law u lil shits
Hey Law & Order, please stop throwing around the word semen all willy-nilly, I’m trying to watch this with my mom
You should never go grocery shopping when you’re hungry and never go clothes shopping when you’re naked.
Heading to an estate sale to collect some cool stuff for my estate sale when I die.
I’m 35 and have never been divorced!!!
I’ve never been married either but at this age you have to focus on the good parts.
All I’m saying is that the Care Bears gave me some very unrealistic expectations.
Me: i think i’m being hunted by a great white shark
Wife: nonsense, we’re on land
*Weirdly-shaped grandfather clock i don’t remember owning exhales sigh of relief*
She said she wanted the D so I showed her our son’s report card.
Me: I’m not interested in this tweet
Twitter: Idgaf